Due to an unexpected weight gain, Laverne and Shirley, my resident mammaries, have decided to slip the surly bonds that is a C cup and move on to a D cup.
On Sunday I ditched the boys and went bra shopping.
I might as well have gone hunting for a Hillary Supporter at an Obama Rally.
I started off at Kohls.
After wandering around the store I finally found the intimates section where I was faced with about 10 double sided racks of bras.
But here's where I get pissy--about 99% of those bras were the kind that hold their shape when your boobies aren't ensconced in them.

They were all these seat-cushion foam padded nightmares.
Rack after rack!
So here's the deal. The next time I hear ANY woman complain "I hate it when men don't look me in the eyes when I'm talking to them--they just stare at my chest!" I'm going to demand that said woman flash me. And if said woman is wearing one of these seat cushion bras that add extra padding, I'm going to smack her.
Now I haven't been bra shopping since Chunky was a pup--so that was what--nearly 7 years ago? But I can tell you that back then, there was not this proliferation of artificial boob armor.
How do I know this?
Because the 1% of bras I found that I liked, i.e. they lacked an extra inch of padding, were labeled "Vintage Style."
I will say that once you started looking for anything above a D cup, this padding nightmare ended. Larger ladies don't need the extra padding I guess.
However, I'm feeling like a porn star sporting a D cup myself. Why the hell would I want to add another inch to my cleave?
Now maybe I'm being harsh.
Maybe women like to pretend like they have big boobies.
But what good does this padding do? Does it double as a personal floatation device if you're wearing it on a plane that crashes over the Atlantic? Does it make you feel sexy?
If it makes you feel sexy and you're going to play the "My husband/boyfriend/girlfriend likes me wearing this bra..." I'm going to have to say that you're sadly misinformed. No horny husband/boyfriend/girlfriend likes their woman IN a bra. They like their woman OUT of a bra.
Maybe people
do really have sex with their bras on like I see in PG-13 movies?

And please don't get me started on the price for these things! We're talking a median price of $25!
Here's my cheapass tip for making your own PFD Seat Cushion Uber Fake Cleave Overpriced Bra: buy a sports bra and fill it with some of that spray foam from Home Depot.

I can't help but think about how much of the planet we could save if we stopped caring about adding a little somethin' somethin' to our gozangas.
Think about it: in addition to not polluting the earth with manufacturing all that foam padding--think of the tenths of pennies you would save in gas mileage not having to haul that extra weight on your boobs around town!
Needless to say I left Kohls and went to Target where I should have started off and bought myself a plain, underwire, cotton, unpadded, D-cup bra for $10.99. No fuss, no muss.
Laverne and Shirley love it.
Labels: Rants