Monday, November 27, 2006

It Was Five Years Ago Today

No, Sgt. Pepper didn't teach the band to play.

Rather, five years ago our boy was ripped from my loins.

WARNING: Rambling birth story ahead. If you're squeamish and/or ever want to have unprotected sex again, click away!

I was a week overdue when I went in for my weekly exam on November 26. The doctor (with small uncomfortable hands--imagine the leprachaun off the Lucky Charms box but with a beard and that was the guy examining me that day) told us what the hell, head over to the hospital--he'd call over and reserve me a bed and an IV of pitocin.

I personally remember thinking "What? I can't have this kid now! I haven't had lunch!" I disobeyed doctor's orders and we stopped at the Meijer on Grand River to pick up a light lunch of salad and a potato roll.

When we turned from Grand River onto Marsh Road, our Ford Tempo decided to throw one of it's "Tempo Tantrums" and it stalled. Holy mother of freakin' god! The Mad Scientist later said the look on my face was priceless. Given our reputation with that piece of shit, it wouldn't have been surprising if I had had to hitch a ride to the hospital.

Thankfully the damn thing restarted and we made it to Sparrow Hospital just fine.

By 1:00 p.m. I was bedded and the joyful drugs to induce labor were coursing through me.

The fun didn't really begin until 5:00 p.m. when a petite doctor about to end her shift wielding a giant crochet hook (dude, no joke) broke my water for me. Three years later that same doctor would be involved in a particularly nasty divorce with our firm. What a psycho. Thank god she was going off her shift.

Dr. Frank N. McLazyeye came on after her. He was a large hulking man with large hands (an asset--trust me) and one lazy eye. I also became privy to some of his legal problems while working for The Man as well. Let's just say from some of the comments he made to The Mad Scientist it didn't surprise me.

About 7:00 p.m. was the time I graciously asked for the godsend known as an epidural. I crossed my fingers that another crazy nurse anesthesologist wasn't on call that day. She was also going through a nasty divorce and made a comment to me when she finally noticed that I was nine-months pregnant that she might see me when I delivered. Eek. Luckily it was just some random guy with a name I don't remember.

But he sucked. That I do remember. He succeeded in numbing the right side of my body. Meanwhile each contraction made the left side of my body feel like an unearthly holy hell that daren't be described.

The Mad Scientist, after finishing his quite delicious smelling ham sandwich from the cafeteria and between downs on the MAC Championship football game re-run he was watching on ESPN Classic--don't you love the random details you remember about life altering events?--convinced me to page the nurse to track down Dr. Schlepidural.

About forty five minutes later, Dr. Schlepidural showed up to work his alleged magic. Yep, he failed yet again and informed me that he couldn't give me any more pain killer lest too much of my body go numb.

At midnight I just stopped caring. At midnight I was finally given the go ahead to push. Thank freaking god. I'll never forget that sensation either. It is equivalent to have to take an enormous crap!

So for two hours straight I pushed.

And I pushed.

And I pushed some more.

The Mad Scientist held one leg and a nurse with the last name of Law held the other. I thought that was the coolest thing--here I was a legal secretary and she was a nurse with the last name Law. Hey, I was under the influence of bad drugs, cut me some slack.

At 2:00 a.m. Dr. McLazyeye informed us of the problem. Chunky was right side up. Damn kid wasn't face down like a normal kid being born would be. He was getting his forehead stuck on my pubic bone and every time they tried to turn him when I was in the middle of a contraction the little monkey wouldn't budge.

So we were presented with two options: 1. forceps and vacuum or 2. a c-section.

Now you must remember, I had been in hard labor for two mother effin hours with nothing to show for it except that they could tell me what color Chunky's hair was every time I bore down.

I asked Dr. McLazyeye what he recommended and he told me he couldn't make the decision for me. Yeah, like I wasn't exhausted enough to be thinking clearly!

So I asked him what were the odds of needing a c-section if the forceps and vacuum didn't work? He told me there was a 50% chance the forceps and vacuum would work.


The Mad Scientist and I looked at each other and said we'd go with the straight up c-section. Why risk the forceps and vacuum? Again, I had seen enough cases in my job where kids were injured being pulled out like that and mommy and daddy sued for damages.

From there they wheeled me into the OR while Dr. McLazyeye informed The Mad Scientist that we were doing the right thing because, "In the old days your wife and kid would have just died." Um, yes, what a great comment to make to a nervous husband whose wife was about to be cut open and his kid removed.

At 2:30 or 2:45 a.m. I was so high on morphine that the only thing I could move was my head when they started cutting me open.

Now here's something no one ever tells you about--what a C-section is going to be like. You're going to feel tugging, and oh yes, you're going to HEAR them suctioning every bodily fluid from you as well. Gah. And if you're lucky like me, they'll wheel you right past the bloody pile of gauze when they're done with you.

Oh and how can I forget?! Because you're lying there in a crucifixal position with your arms numb, your husband (or whoever had the honor of knocking you up in the first place) will get to be the first to hold your precious little offspring. Oh no don't mind that you've been a ginormous ball of hormones, you've retained 40 gallons of water so that you can't feel your shins--your legs are literally spongy feeling, or that you've lugged around a 7 plus pound tapeworm of a kid for the past nine months--please by all means, let Mr. All I Did Was Ejaculate hold the kid first! But I digress. (Wow, no pent up issues there huh?)

At 3:00 a.m. EST, Chunky was finally pulled out (and thereby beating another doctor in another OR delivering another baby by C-section at the same time. That little girl was born at 3:01 a.m. Yes, that's right, the doctors were having a friendly little contest to see who would pull out the first baby).

Chunky's sex was a surprise too. The Mad Scientist was convinced he was a little girl. I on the other hand, sorta figured he was a boy. But it was great fun when they pulled him out and announced he was indeed a boy.

But for all that misery of labor, having to deal with psychotic doctors (remember kids just because they have medical degrees doesn't mean they're sane!), and McChili Burger commercials on TV in the delivery room that made me nearly toss my salad, it was worth it.


Where did my baby go?????

Actually each year I reflect on where my baby went. Each year on his birthday I write him a letter.


It's something I came up with Superbowl Sunday 2002 when he was just barely two months old and we had to take him to the ER and he spent a few days in the hospital with some unknown virus that gave him a dangerously high fever. I wrote him a letter while he was hooked to all that shit and all I could do was sit there watching him, feeling helpless.

Each year I write him a letter reflecting on the past year of his life and how he's made me proud.

Yeah OK, pretty damn sappy I know. But think of it this way--it's my ticket out of an expensive graduation present when he turns 18. I just hand him a stack of letters and smile. "Oh gee, you wanted a college fund honey? Or a new car? Shoot, well here, have these letters and pretend."

Once a cheapass, always a cheapass.

These would also make a great parting gift if I'm ever unexpectedly run over by a Fedex truck as well. Watch, now that I say that it will be a UPS truck instead.

So today, we shall eat cake:


And celebrate our boy growing another year older.

And when I say "we" I mean myself and:


Doctor Mad Scientist.

I'm so proud of my boys.


Anonymous Melissa said...

Woohoo, first comment! I dashed over here from the knittyboard. Congrats!

And wooo, that stounds - er, strenuous. My first birth was a cakewalk. The second, he was a week and a half overdue, so we induced (btw, pitocin sucks). Because it hadn't been too bad the last time, I postponed spinal pain meds until I was about crying. Then the guy comes to gimme the meds, and AS he is inserting the needle the doctor starts yelling 'lay her down, lay her down!' Yeah, precipitous delivery of a 9 lb baby isn't the most fun. (Not trying to compete, or anything. Yours definitely sucked more.)

Isn't it strange how much they look like themselves when you go back and look at their baby pictures?

11:25 AM  
Blogger Trillian42 said...

Bezzie, that's really a lovely story, blood and guts and all. And in your usual style, it's funny as hell as well. And what a beautiful baby he was, too!

And again I say YAAAAAAAY for Dr. Mad Scientist!

11:41 AM  
Blogger Tactless Wonder said...

Congratulations on both counts.

I hope to never experience either birth or thesis defense myself...being a great aunt and a holder of a Masters Degree is enough for me.

I have to go polish up a resume now.

Happy Birthday, Chunky!

11:42 AM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

Happy Birthday Chunky!!

And congrats to DR. MS!

11:47 AM  
Blogger sgeddes said...

what a great story. You could always print that off to include with this year's letter. I love the letter idea. How wodnerful.

A BIG congratualtions to the Dr. in the family!

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Chunky!!! You know that the Mad Scientist past cause it was Chunky's B-day! That is the most that I have ever read/heard on his birth. So glad that everything turned out OK then and Now. Now to reunite and get on with your lives! Good Luck! Love, Mom

12:51 PM  
Blogger DomesticOverlord said...

Best. Post. Ever!

I love you Bezzie, your kid is damn lucky to be your kid. If he's even half as cool as you are when he grows up he's going to be awesome.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Happy Birthday, Chunky :)

Up until your C-section, your birthstory sounds remarkably like mine. I yelled at the anestheiologist after he tried (UNSUCCESFULLY!!!!) for the third time to do the epidural that he was hurting more than the freakin' labour!

Congrats to the DH, too :)

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Happy birthday to the child, congratulations to the man (DR. Man), and to you I say -- thanks a lot for reminding me about the giant crochet hook (shudder).

1:40 PM  
Blogger Penny Karma said...

I give you high marks for coming up with "Dr. Schlepidural".

2:40 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

Happy Birthday Chunky!

I am currently sat here with my legs crossed and crossed they shall stay. I'm guessing you don't have plans for any more Bezlets.

A huge congrats to the Mad Scientist. It must be a huge weight off you mind to know it's over and done with and that he'll be home soon.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Starfish said...

"Mr. All I Did Was Ejaculate" - that made me GUFFAW out loud!! While not funny at the time, it's hilarious now, and you have Chunky to show for it. All is well!

3:02 PM  
Blogger Sherry W said...

Ah, more 'Mother' stories to scare the crapola out of me. I think I'm going to grow any kids I have in a Sea monkey kit.

Congrats Dr. Mad! Happy C-section day to chunksters!

3:07 PM  
Blogger Poops said...

Congratulations to both your boys!

3:27 PM  
Blogger Elspeth said...

Congrats to both boys (and you, who did all the physical work!). I had a similar experience with my first, except I started off with a massive blood clot and had already been hospitalized for a month before the birth. I got some sort of epidural which didn't take so they had to give me a second, I pushed for 2 hours, did the vacuum (they don't do forceps at my hospital I guess), and finally had a c-section at 8 am when the whole practice and local nursing school was visiting. It was fun.

Oh, and there was also a Dr. in the practice I had heard being mean to other patients while they were giving birth and I was waiting to in the hospital, so I refused to even let her check me out when she was on duty. Ah, memories.

You haven't lived until the baby's father and his whole family gets to hold the baby before you do. (I've now had 3 c-sections.) But then, almost 7 years later, you have a great son.

Have a fun birthday celebration!

4:12 PM  
Blogger Inky said...

Ok, I admit I skipped the birth story (no baby zone here!) but many happy birthdays to Chunky and big congrats to Dr. Mad Scientist!!

It's a good day :)

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great story, and that cake looks very tasty.

4:30 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Ugh! You brought back painful memories! I did, what I now refer to as, the "countdown to c-section" with my first, too. I've since had four more babies (no more c-sections) with the last one delivered at home by her (not Doctor) Dad in our bathtub :).

Congrats to Dr. Mad Scientist! That's awesome! You must be so relieved.

And happy birthday to your Chunky! My bathtub baby celebrated her fourth a week ago last Saturday :).

4:37 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Aw, crap, you made me cry. It was the letters that did it.

Happy Birthday Mr. Chunky!!

And congrats to Doctor Mad Scientist! Woo!!

5:53 PM  
Blogger The Fluffy Ewe said...

Congrats to the Mad Scientist!! What an accomplishment!! Yay!!

Happy 5th b-day to Chunky!

Ah yes, birthing your first offspring, brings back many a memory. I pushed with Toddling for 2 hours before he decided to appear, face up at that. That's an improvement from the right side facing position he was in. Tater was cake, 4 sets of pushes and he was out, eventhough he was a full pound heavier. The only thing that sucked this time was the 45 minutes of excricuating pain trying to get the epidural in as I have a very narrow epidural opening.

6:24 PM  
Blogger T. Budnik said...

Holy Shit! I read that entire thing thinking, she's gotta freakin' let us know whether the Mad Scientist is officially a doctor now.


Happy Birthday to Chunky!
Congrats to Dr. Mad Scientist!


CONGRATS to you for giving birth to one and supporting the other!


7:56 PM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

Ok, I just read Penny Karma's expose on the monkeys in the closet. I didn't think it was possible but I adore you even more.
So what do I have to do to get in on the monkey slave trade?

9:04 PM  
Blogger Zonda said...

Aww! Happy Birthday Chunky!!! What a story...told as eloquently as only you can! (I was watching soap operas..Loving was on when DS was born!)

Congrats to Dr. MS too!

That cake looks yummy, didja save me a piece? ;)

9:12 PM  
Blogger OldLadyPenPal said...


Ok, I cried into my sweet potato (no, that's not what I call my son, I mean an actual sweet potato) reading that. I love being a mama. I'd give birth all over again. But no. Happy Birthday, Mr. Chunky! And congratulations, Dr. MS!
What a great day!

9:22 PM  
Blogger Penny Karma said...

Yeah, and suddenly the pymgy marmosets make a WHOLE lot more sense in the home of someone with a PhD in Pharmacology and Toxicology.

And another piece of the puzzle falls into place!

9:45 PM  
Blogger janna said...

Happy Birthday, Chunky, and Congratulations, Dr. Bezzie-husband!

10:56 PM  
Blogger Pyewacket said...

Suckass birth experience, awesome kid. I love the letters!

Congrats to Dr. Mad Scientist, and --- look! a monkey!

*snitches a hunk of cake*

4:55 AM  
Blogger Alisha said...

Happy Birthday to your little man.

Great post!!!

5:09 AM  
Blogger ZantiMissKnit said...

So awesome.

I'll be honest and say that I have "issues" with childbirthing stories; it's a bit of a phobia of mine. But I read yours without feeling queasy. I did laugh out loud a few times (and I'm at work).

The letters to Chunky are a great idea. I wish I had started that with ZMrK for each year of marriage. Maybe this year, I will.

And that cake looks awesome. I'm craving Oreos now.

8:51 AM  
Blogger mamma said...

Happy Birthday!

And congrats to the Dr. I'm so happy for you. You and your famiy have all worked so hard for this.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

What an awesome story! I think it's a great idea to write a letter for every year. Wait til he's 16, you'll want to re-read some just to refresh the memory. But the "birth" day is one we are very likely to remember. It's a shame one can't sue for bad bedside manner;)

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Knit Mongrel said...

So when I tell my husband that I don't want any kids, can I blame you? :)

Seriously, though, it is a wonderful story, and thanks for sharing. It's always good to remember how much we love the people who can annoy us the most. Congrats.

11:23 PM  
Blogger LilKnitter said...

Bezzie, your Chunky was a BEAUTIFUL baby!! And I think the letters will be a wonderful gift for him. His cake looked yummy and fluffy and messy....mmmmmmmmm!
And yoopie!! Doctor Mad Scientist!

1:21 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

great story Bezzie, and congrats, you do good work!!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

That was so sweet! He will absolutely love those letters. I might have to steal that idea if I have kids but, I don't know how much fun half a numb body sounds. ;)

9:40 PM  

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