Wednesday, December 13, 2006

White Elephants and Cat Poo--Oh My!

Today was the big day of the office Christmas White Elephant (think Yankee Swap) luncheon.

We ordered lunch from Marie Callenders. I ended up splitting a ham sandwich with a coworker because, no offense Grandma Marie, my grandma can cook just as good as you but she ain't charging no $10.00 for a lousy appetizer! I ended up only having to drop $5 on 1/2 a ham sandwich and 1/2 a side of fries. To Marie's credit her portions are large.

After lunch, the elephanting began. We drew numbers (there were 13 of us) and I pulled 12. The presents were pretty, hm, how do I put this? Vanilla?

First was the chip and salsa dish.
Then the snowman candy dish.
Then the bottle of Texas wine.
Then the casserole dishes.
Then the vibrating massage cushion.

You get the idea.

The one gift I wish I had gotten was from the coworker who had thrown out her back and didn't feel like battling the shopping crowds in pain: half a bottle of Febreeze air freshner and a $20 bill. Hee! She used the half-used bottle of Febreeze to weight the gift bag down.

As the gifts got pulled one by one (no one was stealing anything!) my Cat Poo Booga Bag sat there all lonely. I was about to nail it for myself but then Number 11 grabbed it. Number 11, as it so happened, was Papa Bear Boss. They all gushed about it trying to figure out if it was handmade or not. I get the feeling they could have been faking it. Ah well no skin off this nose.

So what did I get you ask?

How's this for irony? I bring a purse and I leave with a purse:

Oh my

Check it out! It's even "knitted":

Oh dear

If you knew me, you'd know I'm not a purse person. Correction: I'm not a girly purse person. All of my purses have never been true "purses." They're always like those small nylon outdoorsy packs with webbed shoulder straps. Currently I carry this bag (in Absint--not the pink shown) because it holds my knitting and all that other purse-y shit like credit cards, checkbook, etc. And I never change it to match my shoes.

But here's the absolute best part about this purse--the description on the tag!!

The style of your handbag doesn't build character, it reveals it. After all, your style is a reflection of who you are and how you feel. Lina (that's the "designer" I believe) brings you quality and affordability in a variety of unique handbags, but most of all, style that's relaxed, comfortable and natural--so you can be you. Enjoy.

Oh-my-god! Oh it get's better, there's a smaller tag with this on it as well:

Isabelle loved roses and freshly arranged flowers. She always sent thank-you cards.

Hee! Hee! I can't be the only one laughing right now! This is genuine humor people! Can you believe there are people out there coming UP with this?!?! (I believe this is the kind of stuff my sister T. is shelling out thousands of dollars at school learning how to do. T., take note, I hope you come up with something a little less cheesemarific when your time to do handbag labels comes!)

So going by the rules of this bag, I believe it wouldn't be named after a posey fondling goody-two shoes named Isabelle at all. No, the small tag would definately read:

Estelle loved polyester and a fresh pack of smokes. She always offered you stale animal crackers when you came to visit.

I think the character revealed by that bag is a reflection of a chain smoking, sun worshipping, leathery old woman that irons the razor sharp creases in her polyester pants while letting her Virginia Slim cigarette dangle from between her coral lipstick painted lips being careful not to let the ash fall on her fluffy white persian cat named Mr. Floofy, lest she burn another patch of fur off his ass like that again.

Y'all probably think I sound like an ungrateful twit. It is a nice bag and even though it doesn't fit me at all. I will definately be finding a use for it--be it cutting the zipper out for a different project, knitting a new cover for it, or something entirely different and offbeat.

But can't you just see a pack of half-smoked Virginia Slims peeking out of the top of this thing?

22 Comments:

Blogger Ali said...

I think when I get old I shall become Estelle. Oh the vanilla shack. How fun. lol.

Good Gourds, you are funny.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Kaitie Tee said...

I can totally see it! hee!

9:54 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I feel it right there with you! I hate Yankee swaps. I, invariably, get stuck with the crappy, Wal-Mart bath and beauty set, or I end up bringing home the gift I purchased thinking it was creative and unique. It used to hurt my feelings, just a little, that no one wanted my gift, but now, I figure, hell, if I'm going to bring it home anyway, I might as well get something *I* want ;). Works out much better ... most of the time.

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bezzie, are you sure you aren't my long-lost separated at birth twin, only like 16 years younger than me? OK, I carry an actual purse, but it's plain black leather. Absolutely unadorned on the outside. When I was younger, I had an army surplus bag I loved until it bit the dust.

I guess none of the gifts were worth stealing, eh?

10:17 PM  
Blogger T. Budnik said...

Man, those things are always boring.

Hey, they totally stole my idea with the purse personalities! DAMN IT! Why AM I in school?

-T.

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well if anything you could re-gift the purse. You know that one of your Bosses is female and needs and wants a purse for her VA-slims! Love, Mom

10:47 PM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

Bezzie,

My work swap is next week--ugh. 'cept ours is supposed to be a "funny" one.

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Birdie said...

You should suggest for the next Elephant swap to do one that is sex toy themed. And then when they all gasp in horror add in, "well, that way we'll all get something we'll actually use, now won't we?" When they stare at you with mouths agape, pretend like you weren't serious, and say, "Oh, please, coworkers, I know you wouldn't actaully use anything, but think of the laughs we could share!"
On second thought, that would make things very awkward for you.
Was this inappropriate? Sorry, I'm still posting it. I imagine you have the power to delete it, if so desired.

1:09 AM  
Blogger Tactless Wonder said...

The thing about white elephant swaps is that you can always pack it away and have it ready to give away next year. (Or that's how it was at one of my school districts, we had the "perpetual" gift that had been making the rounds for almost 19 years...)

And who knows if you'll even be at the same place NEXT xmas :).

7:37 AM  
Blogger Poops said...

"Estelle loved polyester and a fresh pack of smokes. She always offered you stale animal crackers when you came to visit."

I just peed my pants.

8:11 AM  
Blogger turtlegirl76 said...

Hee! Purse-onalities. That is too much.

10:39 AM  
Blogger KnitterBunny said...

You know when I first read that line about the smokes, I read it as Viagra Slim. Ha, oops.

11:15 AM  
Blogger ZantiMissKnit said...

I don't think you can iron polyester. I think it melts.

At my holiday party, the date of a co-worker was telling us about the Yankee swap at HIS company (a local gay newspaper). Sex toys are always in the mix. I wanna work there!

BTW, the description of Estelle sounds very much like my Aunt Ruthie, except she wore bright red lipstick (and LOTS of it). My niece thinks I'm channelling Aunt Ruthie on my holiday card.

2:17 PM  
Blogger DomesticOverlord said...

You see now, the purse-onality I see in the bag is more like this:

Loretta loved gold shoes year round. Whenever you went to her trailer to get your hair done you had to get a permit from the city because of the support structure required for the height.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Bezzie said...

I'm not going to say how I know this but let's just say it involved a certain job I had as a teenager--but yes, you can iron polyester--just at a low setting on the iron.

DO, that sounds like the place I was calling to schedule The Man's hair appointments!

2:45 PM  
Blogger Alisha said...

I am with you in the handbag department. Half the time I don't even carry one. Some women really love their handbags and spend big bucks on them but I would much rather buy yarn or fabric with my handbag money!!

Your priceless by the way.....Virgina Slims for certain sticking out the top!!!

4:41 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Funny, I am typing this with a Marlboro hanging out of my mouth right now, my Alaskan tan gleaming under the full-spectrum light in our light-deprived home. I think I am working on being the Alaskan version of Estelle in my old age... I'll offer people too-dry smoked salmon that I carry in my rucksack, wear all things Carhartt, and and wear a thick mixture of muktuk and fish blood as lipstick... if only I could get pooped on by an eagle... 3 years in Kodiak and it still hasn't happened.

5:30 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

I like the ease of an Old Navy $5 black nylon baggie with various net pockets all over and straps that fit right over the shoulder. I look forward to your "use" of your Yankee prize!

8:04 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

I hate those work swaps. I always wind up getting something I stupid, even for a work swap. Last one I had to do, we all drew names. Naturally I got the one woman I had no freakin' idea for. Ironically, she got me. For whom she also had no freakin idea. I gave her a set of wcheap wine glassses and a bottle of wine and she gave me cheesy Christmas themed picture frames. Which I promply re-gifted...

8:27 PM  
Blogger Zonda said...

Love it!! The post I mean!! You have a way with words! The purse..um interesting! :)

10:36 PM  
Blogger weezalana said...

I work in marketing and even I'm yakking at that tag! Liek you just weren't able to relax and be yourself until you had this bag. Puh-leeze cheese!

You could do what I did for our office white elephant christmas party. Just regift the white elephant gift you got last year. >)

I would SO buy a bag that had your description instead.

12:47 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

Oh dear... do you have a ad old auntie you could gift it to?

At least your booga was well liked.

8:13 AM  

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