Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Lonely Potato

Since it appears I am unable to earn any bread lately (I told you I was impatient when it comes to finding a job and well, everything else in life!) I figured I would make some!

Lemme tell how expensive bread is here. First off there are no bakery thriftshops anywhere close by so that's not an option. I too remember the joy of buying nearly expired bread and Hostess cupcakes for pennies on the dollar when I was growing up and later living in Lansing.

No, no. To obtain cheap bread here in this part of New Jersey is an art form. You have to know where to look.

Why we as Americans need a whole aisle of bread is beyond me. There's wheat bread, white bread (gag), white bread that has the minerals of wheat bread, whole grain bread, half grain bread, raisin bread, stone ground flour bread, sandwich bread, sweet bread, blah, blah, blah, the list goes on and on!

The trick to finding the plain jane wheat bread is to look in the most unobvious place. This means you'll find it nestled in with the Lo-Cal Lo-Carb South Beach Diet Kosher Cinnamon Raisin English Muffins.

And after all that work to find it, do you know how much it will cost you? Nearly $2.

Maybe I got spoiled paying 99 cents to $1.29 for bread in Michigan, but I'm getting pretty damn sick of it. Especially considering being a cheapass I opted out of the $6 a day lunch plan at Chunky's new school and Dr. Mad Scientist brown bags it every day. Well unless he donates blood, then they give him a free meal ticket to the cafeteria. As a result we go through a lot of bread.

Therefore, as cyberspace as my witness, I hereby resolve to start baking my own bread.

$2 be damned!! (And we will not consider how much natural gas it takes to bake this bread OK? They estimate my gas bill, might as well get my money's worth!)

Let's begin shall we?

Once upon a time there was a lonely potato. All his brothers and sisters were eaten up by the three big bad humans.


Instead of being speared and sent to the nuclear chamber of death like his kin, this lonely potato was skinned and boiled alive.


"Muhahahahaha!" screetched the crazy ass baker who oddly insisted upon taking pictures of everything she did.


Including taking a picture of the cup of "sour milk" she made to substitute for buttermilk in the recipe. All you do is add 1 tablespoon of vinegar to a cup of milk. All I had was rice vinegar. Worked OK for me.

Oh my god! The horrors!


The lonely little potato was turned to mush! More water was added to his already badly decomposed body along with some sugar, the sour milk, and a couple of tablespoons of butter.

This was added to some yeast and some flour. Now bear in mind this isn't your momma's potato bread. The deranged cook ran out of white flour and she had to substitute wheat flour instead.

Next she beat, um, no, kneaded the flour, yeast, and potato corpse mixture together to form a ball.


"Goodnight my pretty!" she cackled and set it aside to rise for 45 minutes.

After 45 minutes she uncovered her creation and declared:


"It's aliiiiivvvvvve!!!!"

Next she hacked it into three pieces with her cleaver...


...and covered it again for a short nap.


After ten minutes she separated the parts of her Frankensteinian creation and put them into three separate pans.


And yet again they rested for 30 minutes!

After thirty minutes, with an evil gleam in her eye, she brought them out of their warm dark resting place.


She gently caressed the shiny new $30 special order knob that the mailman had brought her the day before and turned it to read "375 degrees."


Oh god! No! The humanity! She took what used to be a poor defenseless potato, now in a doughy re-birthed form, and BAKED IT for 40 minutes!

But now the twisted woman will no longer have to fight the fat lady talking on her cell phone parked in front of the Lo-Cal Lo-Carb South Beach Diet Kosher Cinnamon Raisin English Muffins in her Electo-Cart for the last two loaves of wheat bread that will cost her $4.00 and last her maybe two weeks.


We'll see how the boys like their "real" bread sandwiches in their lunch tomorrow. I think this story will have a happily ever after.



Blogger ZantiMissKnit said...

Can you please come over and bake bread for me? That looks so yummy!!

I finally got over thinking about the sound that fork would make scraping against the bottom of the pan (eeeeeegaaaahhh!!!)

2:25 PM  
Blogger maryannlucy said...

lookin' good! But I have never seen a recipe for potato in bread. I am intrigued!

2:29 PM  
Blogger weezalana said...

Bet Mr. Potatohead wasn't expecting that when he got up this morning!

Damn, that looks really good. I pity the fools on Atkins and Zone - carbs rule!

2:52 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

One potato, 3 loaves of bread?!? I'm gonna have to rustle up a potato....

2:53 PM  
Blogger Penny Karma said...

Pretty soon your $30 knob will have paid for itself!

3:01 PM  
Blogger Tactless Wonder said...

I bow down before your cheap-ass self.

I shop at the uber expensive market. You don't want to know how much I spend on bread...

3:10 PM  
Blogger Criosa said...

oooh, that looks good!

what is this magic warm spot that makes your bread rise that fast? my house is cold. it takes DAYS (seemingly) to get even a minimal rise out of dough.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Zonda said...

I am drooling over hot bread from the oven! WTG! I kill yeast..there I've said it..I just can't do it! I bow to you!

Yay for your knob showing up in the nick of time! ;)

3:56 PM  
Blogger Cheesy Knit Wit said...

I just sent you an e-mail....

If you were closer, I would give you my bread maker, of course, you could only bake one loaf at a time. I use it every now and then, but you could get so much more use out of it right now than I ever did or will.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

*drools all over keyboard* Yummmmm!

4:20 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

So, next time I see a $5 bread maker at St Vincent's, do you want me to pick it up for you?

4:23 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

I soooo should not have read this right before supper! My tummy is grumbling audibly now!

4:38 PM  
Blogger Meg Weaver said...

I've got lots of recipes for cheap, nutritious bread that doesn't need special ingredients. Let me know if you want any.

4:44 PM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

If I send you a skein of yarn can you make it turn into 3 sweaters for me?

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

I make a mean honey-oat bread.

Good bread here (Maine) costs $3.29. :(

5:56 PM  
Blogger sgeddes said...

You win the all time cheap-ass domestic godess award! Very impressive.

And I have to tell you, your solution is much better than what my husband came up with. While in college and having no money - he and his roommates would dumpster dive behind the grocery for the thrown out day old bread. (They kept track of the scheudle)

7:44 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

~snort~Looks yummy!

9:02 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

love that knob, Oven Twin! Form of, some awesome looking bread! My guys still balk at the homemade stuff, but they are getting a break since my mixer died. I fear the hand-kneading, but may give it another go, with you as my inspiranto!

10:02 PM  
Blogger bigevilgrape said...

Even at the trift shop here I pay around 2 dollars for my bread. (probobly because I'm all over the 12 grain bread and the oatmeal bread) gotta love the north east.

10:41 PM  
Anonymous birdie said...

Oh my dad. That bread looks delish. I love bread and now I want to make my own. I wish I was as motivated as you.
I was worred at first as to how you were going to bake it. Boy, was I ever so plesantly surprised.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Erin said...

It looks fantastic! However....that is very time consuming! I was given a used bread machine and add my own ingredients like wheat flour, wheat gluten, molasses or honey and a few other items and four and a half ours later the bread machine beeps and I'm done! You might want to try to find one of those at a second hand store or good will. =) Congrats for being thrifty! It looks very yummy.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

Thanks! Actually there are going to be people there for after the meeting. That's what scares me :O Mmmm that bread....

7:27 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Bravo! Encore!

Sounds yummy! I love making bread, and my house smells so lovely afterward.

We haven't bought bread in eons. If I don't bake it, we don't eat it ;).

9:33 AM  
Blogger Poops said...

Um, shouldn't you be working diligently on your book while you're "unemployed"? The Cheapass Guide to Life--Chapter 7--"You want HOW MUCH for that loaf of bread?"

Seriously. You are the Cheapass Martha Stewart.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Woo! That's some fine looking bread!

10:50 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

Cool photo essay! I made cinnamon rolls from scratch on Tuesday night and my ingrate of a 4 year old said she liked Gramma's (Pillsbury from a can) better. Um, she now knows what 'ingrate' means...

I love to make bread, but I use my bread machine to make the dough - now before you jump on me, Bezzie - this is a machine I paid $29 for nearly 10 years ago, so it has made up for its cost many times over. I still like to bake the bread in my own oven, though - can't stand the weird shape and hole in the bottom the bread machine gives. I also make all my pizza dough in the bread machine.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I use to make my own bread....but toomany kids and not enough time to do it. Plus it is hard to kneed dough over a "Preggie Belly". Nice looking bread though. Love, Mom

11:28 AM  
Blogger Alisha said...

That bread looks great!!!

Although I don't know if I am brave enough to muster a loaf from scratch, I am however feeling the need to make more then pizza dough with the bread has been a long long time since I did bread.

Great knob by the way!!!

2:17 PM  
Blogger Starfish said...

so how'd it work out?

9:35 PM  
Blogger Bufanditas said...


I'm a complete failure when attempting to rise bread. Your's looks delicious.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

OMG! You really did write a novel... only I expected something more trashy that the torture of a potato.

Looks like lovely stuff. Must admit I cheat and use a breadmaker although in fairness it was given to me by a friend who used it twice and got bored.

6:30 PM  

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