Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Will Knit For Food

The next cell phone I get will be a cameraphone, or I'm getting one of those $20.00 keychain digital cameras.

Because seriously people, I wish I could make this stuff up.

First, a little background.

Yesterday I got a call literally five minutes after I emailed my resume to a company called MatchMaker.

My first indication that something was amiss should have been that the email address ended in "aol.com." To me that smacks of unprofessional. However, I'm desperate and I'm trying not to be judgmental. You just never know.

On the phone with Mr. MatchMaker, he asks me some rudimentary questions.

He asks how much money I was looking for (How do you politely say "Any!" without sounding desperate?), and if I know how to use PowerPoint (which, if you read my resume, is listed under "Office Monkey Tools I Know How To Use" right under "Banana" and above "Stick to pull ants out of a log").

Then he tells me he needs to meet with me. It will only take 10 minutes.

Ok, great. He gives me directions to his office in Denville. Denville is a 30 minute drive away from where I live.

However you have to also consider it will take you an extra 30 minutes to get to Denville because it would appear that New Jersey drivers on I-280 like to drive really slow looking out the window.

I now have Shakira's vacant stare burned into my brain from having to stare at an ad for a Latin radio station on the back of the NJ Transit 79 Xpress bus that was in front of me for 10 miles going 5 miles per hour. That's 93.1 on the radio dial for you northern New Jersey blog surfers.

Finally, after realizing that in fact her hips might lie, I get off the highway and make my way into Denville to Mr. MatchMaker's office.

Wedged between a respectible brick building filled with law and dental offices and a mechanics garage is his "office."

His "office" is one of those old houses turned into offices.

Ok, no big deal. I used to make deliveries to many attorneys in the Lansing area working out of their old-houses-come-offices. Some of them were very nice.

Behind the "office" is his parking lot. The entrace to his office is also in the back. As I approach the building, I realize that Mr. MatchMaker shares his "office" with a place called Sensual Therapeutic Massage, Inc.

I enter the "office" and climb a set of stairs following his voice instructing me to meet him in the back.

I cautiously open a door to reveal the inner sanctum of Mr. MatchMaker.

It's a huge office with a desk in one corner that is covered in stacks of resumes. Stacks! They literally line this man's desk wall to wall.

It was actually kind of unnerving because I could read them from where I sat. Maybe it's all those years in the legal field or having HIPAA rules smashed into my brain at the Health Science Center in San Antonio, but it felt wrong.

So yes, Bill Wallace, I know that you can type 65 wpm.

The hardest part about entering that office was trying to disguise the look of shock on my face when I finally saw Mr. MatchMaker.

He was a stocky man. He was dressed in a pair of jeans, and a black tank top with an opened button-down shirt over it.

Ok, that's the way Dr. Mad Scientist dresses on weekends when he doesn't want me to drag him anywhere outside the house because he knows I'll be embarrassed by his repulsive attempt to dress like a middle aged man on a cruise to the Bahamas.

Since I didn't have a camera (see my first sentence) I had to draw you a picture of Mr. MatchMaker.


Yes, his hair actually looked like that. Imagine that Bill Gates had a fatter, nerdier, and much less successful brother if you will.

The whole meeting lasted all of five minutes. He asked me the exact same questions he asked me on the phone: "How much do you want?" and "Do you know how to use PowerPoint?"

Then he called up this place I'm assuming he was working with to see if I could interview with them today as they were looking for "a professional looking woman to sit at the front desk and answer phones and such." His point of contact at the company had just gone into a meeting so he had to leave her a message.

So he tells me to go home and he'll call me on my cell when he hears from her.

I hightail as fast as I can out of there.

I can truly say I never fully appreciated the word "skeeved" until I met Mr. MatchMaker in his massage parlor sharing office.

As I'm driving home, I'm listen to WNYC's interview with Suze Orman (Did you know she was a lesbian? Huh. I never would have guessed.) with the volume cranked all the way up so I could easily ignore my phone if it rang.

Of course by the time it hit West Orange it rang.

But lalalalalalalalalalala Suze was telling me that rich lesbians can only leave each other two million dollars if they die as opposed to rich heteros that can leave their significant other billions lalalalalalalalalalala I couldn't hear the phone.

As I was walking into my front door something occured to me: Why did I have to drive 30 minutes to meet with this freak for five minutes?

My answer: I think he was checking me out.

I think he wanted to make sure I wasn't a complete uggo or weighed 600 pounds.

The whole experience freaked me the hell out.

I thought that maybe I should have called him back to go on the interview with the company looking for the "professional lady to sit at the front desk and answer phones," but I do I really want to be doing business with people that do business with this weirdly unprofessional guy?

He never even gave me a business card or his last name.

Ok, I'll cut the company he was allegedly working for some slack. Hiring a person is a labor intensive job. You have to weed resumes, schedule interviews, and sometimes administer preemployment tests,. However, it's also something that comes with the territory of running your own business.

If I owned a business I'd realize that first impressions are everything (it goes both ways in an interview--they check you out, you check them out). I'd spend the extra money to go with a chain agency to do my hiring if I didn't want to do it myself or at the very least I would find someone that projected a professional demeanor.

This whole ordeal and 1/2 a tank of wasted gas did at least teach me that I will not be responding to ads that end in "aol.com" and I will not be going through employee-finders to find a job.

In the meantime it's back to square one. Back to sending my resume to everyone and their brother and hoping it doesn't end up on the desk of some disturbing creepaliscious headhunter.

If you see a crazy looking girl off of Exit 151 of the Garden State Parkway with a cardboard sign up that says "Will Knit For Food" you'll know it's me. Be sure to honk or throw a skein of Red Heart out the window at the very least to show some love.



Blogger Zonda said...

Oh wow! Um..I get the heebie jeebies over that! Darn it all, where are all them damn jobs!! There has to be one for you!! This just isn't fair, someone that "wants" to work..well who really wants to work, but YKWIM. Still sending good job finding vibes :)

1:22 PM  
Blogger Poops said...

Write. A. Book.

Tour. With. PennyKarma.

Make. A. Fortune.


1:35 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Sensual Massage, fatter Bill Gates. I'm hysterical over here....

1:48 PM  
Blogger Cheesy Knit Wit said...

Holy Moses. I have been laughing my butt off over here. I am so sorry. You'll have to start carrying a can of mace to all your interviews.

1:55 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

oh my! Sorry you had to deal with skeevy guy!

2:00 PM  
Blogger T. Budnik said...

I can't believe you went in! Sometimes we don't know the extent of our situation until we're out of it.

You learned a lesson and got a damn good story out of it.


3:50 PM  
Blogger Penny Karma said...

Ugh, reading that story made my boobs ache. That's my "ick" reflex.

Remind me to tell the story of my worst job interview ever.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Red Dog Knits - Kristi and Otis said...

Eesh! Heeby Jeebies all around! Great portrait of him - it added to the heeby jebbiness.

5:41 PM  
Blogger buttercup said...

I had skeeves at AOL. I don't think I would have made it into the parking lot in the back. I'd have done a drive by and kept on going.

Have temp agencies been a bust? Sometimes that's the quickest way to get something.

6:18 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

Now THAT'S icky! I wonder what business it was that wanted a professional looking woman to sit at the front desk? A bordello??

6:28 PM  
Blogger weezalana said...

Skeeeeeee-veee! But almost worth it for that wicked awesome sketch. ;)

8:46 PM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

I'm glad you made it home okay. Don't tempt me on the knitting offer...I still havet those Dad socks looming over my head.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous clarinetteplayer said...

Ewww. I have some left over Read Heart in Gryffindor colors. I'll just toss it on the garden state and hope for the best :)

10:54 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

wow, what a story!! I am assuming you could kick someones ass if need be... I'm glad it didn't get that freaky... be safe, yo!

6:21 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

I can not wait to start meeting those folks. I was with you in spirit, which shouldn't be as creepy as some of the prospective employers we'll meet. Good luck chickie!

6:36 AM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

You can dooooo it! Seriously, though, mace. Mace is good.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

I have to wait til Sept before I can even submit a resume. If only we could knit for food!

7:27 AM  
Blogger Haley said...

Total skeevefest. I would have wussed out and not gone in at all. Would have told him, if he called to find out, that I got "lost".

I really hope you can find something soon. I remember being out of work, it was fun for the first little bit then I got so bored! And broke... I'm still paying off the credit card.

8:38 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

My company is hiring a clerical person. Wanna move to Louisiana? :) We have 5 real live toxicologists! :)
I have one of those tiny (for e-mail and websites) digital cameras that my mom got for a company freebie and didn't know what to do with it. E-mail me if you want it. It's just gathering dust at my place.

8:45 AM  
Blogger KnitterBunny said...

That is so creepy.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I totally had an interview experience like that when I was in college and looking for a part time job. Ugh. Skeevy is right!

I'm sending good job thoughts your way daily.

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great come back! I had a family emergancy! I love it and what the heck how can he say anything about that. It probably disqualified you for the job, too. Love, Mom

12:13 PM  
Blogger roxy =^o^= said...

I question any business that is based in Denville for starters. Seriously, you were lucky to make it out of there. Trust me I know LOL


8:53 PM  
Blogger AR said...

Yikes!! That would have totally freaked me out. Hope you find the right job (not freaky) soon!

7:51 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

You constantly crack me up! Good luck girl!

8:40 AM  
Blogger Batty said...

Yuck! I'm just glad you're safe. What a freak.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Alisha said...

~cringe~ and laughing all in one!!

I agree you so need to get yourself writing a book...hell you won't need a job, your books would sell like crazy...you have talent gal!!!

8:58 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

I'm dieing over here! LMAO! Only you, only you.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Starfish said...

I think I would have turned around when I saw the Sensual Massage sign. Kudos for your for having the morbid curiosity to see what else lie ahead.

7:18 AM  
Blogger Rain said...

Yeah what Poops said - write a book!

Serious ew factor. I bet he pops next door during his lunch breaks.

6:45 PM  

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