Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Wanna See My Sleevage?

It's a shame my sleevage is a little uneven, but here it is.


I'm going to have to remember that little camera trick. I look like some kind of funkalicious assymetrical super hero. Ha!

Other than being one sleeve light, we're also a couple thousand dollars light today too.

The money to the IRS is actually due tomorrow.

The plan was the mail the amended return tomorrow at lunch via certified mail, return receipt requested. I'm not dicking around with these IRS jacknards. I want to make sure my money gets to them. Since they've made it clear that they're idiots (ok, not all of them, just the ones dealing directly with my return), how can I trust that they can do something so simple as to recieve their mail?

However we've got a stupid training session at lunch tomorrow--something lame like "How To Seal An Envelope" or "Paperclips: The Metal, The Myth, The Mystery" I'm sure.

So I went to mail it today instead.

I included a sweet little letter with the check and forms too.

It pays homage to my days as a federally employed weenie sucking.

I used to carpool to base with my Old Man. He worked at the Travel Office.

When any military person on base went TDY or PCSed, they submitted their travel vouchers to him for reimbursement. He'd go over them and cull out any bogus charges.

I worked as a paper pushing general summer hire office monkey for the Civilian Personnel office. We serviced the whole Pacific rim. If you were a civilian and worked for the Army in Alaska, Hawaii, Korea, Okinawa or Johnston Island in the late 90's, chances are I saw and personally fondled your Personnel File.

Anyway, one day, probably on during our hour long commute to work, we came up with a mock-union for ourselves. We nicknamed it F.E.C.A.L.

Here's a copy of the letter I sent with our returns to the IRS today. If you read closely you can figure out where I slyly reference F.E.C.A.L.

Internal Revenue Service
Memphis, TN 37501

To Whom It May Concern:

Re: Form 4549; 2005 Income Tax Examination Changes; Contact No. ********; Tax ID No. 574-**-****

Enclosed for your records please find Form 4549 for the 2005 tax year signed by myself and my husband, Dr. Mad Scientist. Additionally enclosed please find Check No. 1170 in the amount of $2,442.59.

Please accept this as payment in full for our 2005 tax obligations.

Whereas I feel my husband’s non-self-employment income was wrongly lumped with my self-employment income, I am wary to expend the energy to fight your claim that these monies are owed to you. I am sure you have heard the old cliché that time is money. I am confident that the amount of time and overhead expended on auditing our tax return to collect $2,442.59 in the long run doesn’t net the IRS very much money. My arguing this amount would only further expend overhead and employee wages thus reducing the total amount the IRS is collecting–assuming they were correct in classifying my husband’s University wages as “self employment” income.

To conclude, I do not blame you--the auditor/person reading this letter. You are a person merely trying to feed, shelter and clothe your family. You’re just another person in the federal employees’ coalition of administrative laborers doing your job trying to make a living.

Please pass my regards onto Uncle Sam. I hope he enjoys his extra $2,442.59 he’s getting from us.


Yeah, I feel better.
Later this week, I condense down my cheapass tips for surviving Sucky September--or any financially sucky situation.

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Blogger Jo said...

Caught it ;) What are you knitting your sweater out of?

8:12 PM  
Blogger Krysstyllanthrox said...

Very clever.

Their reason is bogus but you're right, some days it just isn't worth it to fight the IRS.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

Aren't you the clever-boots?

I know what you mean....Canada Revenue once decided I owed them $15,000!!! I had to hire a lawyer and forensic accountant to beat them off. On the bright side, lawyer and accountant fees accrued to fight the revenoors is tax deductible up here in the wild north.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Oh, the worst of it is, thinking about how the government spends that hard-earned cash you could so sorely have used. Like, maybe they bought a hammer and some screws to ship to Iraq, not realizing that one uses a screwdriver not a hammer to drive screws.

When I was self-employed in the book biz, I found the federal taxes much more galling that the local and state ones. The local ones provided tangible stuff like schools and cleared roads. All the feds ever seemed to spend money on was waste.

9:03 PM  
Blogger Tactless Wonder said...

But doesn't writing that letter make you feel a teensey bit better? I wrote the manager of my grocery store this morning, ah, just a wee bit less pissy about the whole thing.

Did Dr. MS receive a stipend or wages that had taxes withdrawn? Federal law is merciless about monies over a certain amount and what they feel is their due.

9:25 PM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

oh, writing that check must have been painful but I'm glad it's behind you.

Enjoy your class tomorrow! Hopefully there will be snacks.

10:05 PM  
Blogger weezalana said...

If I were reviewing resumes and saw "paper pushing general summer hire office monkey", I would SO call that person in for an interview.

HAHA! Great letter! Caught the fecal ref, excellently coded. ;)

12:58 AM  
Blogger Red Dog Knits - Kristi and Otis said...

Idgets. Looking forward to the tips - I've got a few cheapass ones of my own, a little unconventional in nature.

5:11 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Wow. I would have fought that more. I know that time is money, but they should have been able to PROVE to you that your husband's income should be lumped in with your own self-employment. How crappy. Fun letter though!

That sweater is great, makes me want to switch to something that's not on size 1 needles (not that I don't love my socks!)

6:35 AM  
Anonymous Miss T said...

:o) Good to have that over with, I bet.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Brena said...

I can't wait for your tips!!! I just entered suckage myself.

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh! I am glad that that is over for you. We still have a copy of a F.E.C.A.L. newsletter on our wall by the computer. Nice sweater, I like the color and I bet it would fit me really well!! Hint! Hint!! Love, Mom

10:00 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I know from experience that's it's just not worth fighting the IRS. It sucks but one way or another they will get the money out of you. :(

Excellent letter and it'll feel better to be out from under that mess.

The shruglet is looking good, I'm going to have to make another one (one of these days).

10:17 AM  
Blogger Magatha said...

I love a good smart ass letter. I write them myself, all the time even knowing that 99% of my perfectly quilted barbs go unnoticed and mostly unread, perhaps trashed, I still feel good writing and sending them.

That sweater keeps growing! (Notice I've ditched the 'lette' part.)

10:39 AM  
Blogger Rebel said...

We can do it! Sorry - you looked a bit like Bezzie the Riveter in that picture. =)

I still hope your accountant, or *somebody* is able to figure out that you didn't actually owe all that money in the first place. Then it will be a nice surprise when you get the money back. Well...I can dream anyway.

12:59 PM  
Blogger Rebel said...

PS - can I join F.E.C.A.L.? I don't work for the feds, but I spend a heck of a lot of time filing federal forms. =/

1:02 PM  
Blogger buttercup said...

Raspberry iced tea out the nose isn't a good feeling. Loved the letter. If I ever need a precisely written snarky letter will you do it? ;-)

1:06 PM  
Blogger Alisha said...

Love you adaption of the capelet!!!

I was inspired by you and another knitter to do one. It was a quick knit (short sleeved) and gave me my knitting mojo back!!

As always a great read Bezzie!!

3:04 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

So funny!
It's probably going to cost the government more to deposit your check than it was worth.

6:15 PM  
Anonymous Knit Mongrel said...

It's genius - and I still need your address. You won my contest, silly! I've got goodies to send your way... email me at knitmongrel14@yahoo.com

6:28 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

I have a good one for FEMA ;) At least you're done done done with this nightmare! Good for you guys!

8:10 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

sounds like a fecal matter, baby! nice letter. have you ever read a book by Father Guido Sarducci, or his other alter ego, Lazlo Toth? The book is called the Lazlo Letters, and it chronicles the letters he sent to McDonalds, Mr. Bubble, the Pope and Pres. Carter, and the letters they returned. His motto, you write letters, you get letters back. Keep up the letter writing, you are brilliant!

8:46 AM  
Blogger Starfish said...

At least it's finally over!

12:47 PM  
Blogger turtlegirl76 said...

Love the letter. I hope you get a response! I'd love to know what they'd have to say to that!

5:54 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Haha. That's great. Way to stick it to them. Maybe they'll realize you're right and send the moolah back!

8:10 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

The IRS is full of it. They're screwing us this year, too - courtesy of the morons at H&R Block.
We *think* we may have the state of Indiana portion figured out - as of Monday.

Maybe. But I've been wrong before. 5 times since April, to be exact.

I feel your pain.

11:21 AM  

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