Tuesday, December 18, 2007

K.A.Y.E.: Let's get personal---reeeeallll personal!

Gather ‘round children and let me tell you the story of Bezzie's Great Cooter Rootin' of 2007.

You can leave if you’re uncomfortable with frank talk of cooters and probing and what not.

Let me start by saying I should have probably done my research when I picked this office.

However it has taken me pretty much all year to schedule this appointment.


Because I am part of the lucky few (i.e. lowest people on the totem pole) in my office that were told that they had to take a lunch between 12 and 1 every day.

Do you know how hard it is to schedule a doctor’s appointment between 12 and 1? Most doctor’s offices, and rightly so, go to lunch at these hours.

Now if it was any other type of appointment or doctor, I might consider making the appointment from work at my desk. But I sit in an office set up which is basically a fat hallway with desks lining each side, there is no privacy whatsoever. I’m not about to air my personal business like that.

I had compiled a list of doctors in the area that accepted our insurance, and had kept the list in my car. Finally, one day, my boss asked me to stay into my lunch hour so he could get a letter out and afterwards I was able to go to lunch—during normal doctor’s office hours!

I made the call and secured my date. Hooray!

Today was that date.

I showed up at 8:45 a.m. and I’m greeted by a dingy office with worn out carpet and signs on the door exclaiming that you are on camera and don’t even try to eff with anything because you WILL be prosecuted.

Oh boy, I knew this was going to be good.

A sign on the reception window explained that copays are paid before the visit and in cash only. No checks or credit cards accepted.

I pray to the Holy United Healthcare Gods of Mt. Sinai that my copay is only $10 or less as that’s all I had in cash on me (don’t you think that would have been nice to have been informed when I made the appointment?)

Thankfully my prayers were answered and the Holy United Healthcare Gods of Mt. Sinai do NOT require a copay.

After filling in all the requisite paperwork I get called back to the exam rooms.

First off they have a digital scale.

Call me old fashioned, but I like me some of those slidey weights that tell me how fat my ass is. I don’t own a scale, but the readout on this scale was not a surprise. I would have preferred it the old fashioned way though.

I’m of the “if my clothes keep fitting, it’s all good” mentality. And my clothes haven’t had problems fitting since I was pregnant with Chunky. Vanity sizing in women’s jeans aside!

Next I’m led to the requisite teensy room decorated with every educational diagram of the female vagina and uterus you can imagine. There’s the leg-spread shot, a cute one of a ripe egg being released, and an artsy cross section shot of an ovary.

I’m told to strip from the waist down.

So I do and I curl up on the table under a giant Mardi Gras brand paper napkin emblazoned with an advertisement for some vaginal cream that has an applicator that looks like a cross between a tampon and a fire extinguisher—with a nifty eyelet at the end so you can hang it on your keychain or something in case of vaginal emergency.

I love the way women’s pharmaceuticals are advertised with those cartoons that look like anorexic Bratz dolls with the doe eyes doing fun things like riding a Vespa.

“I may have a foul smelling green discharge from my vagina—but with VagoStinguish that won’t stop me from zipping along on my cool scooter!”

I try to amuse myself half nakedly as I listen to the doctor counsel the woman in the room next to me on her upcoming tubal ligation. He takes a majority of the time to tell her that the term “tying your tubes” is a misnomer. Your tubes are cut and rubber banded off, not tied into a pretty Christmas bow.

Oh the HIPAA violations!

After about half an hour waiting and checking out my sexy hand knit clad socks in the full length mirror that is on the door and determining that although I really love STR, the way they pill and felt on the heels is quite annoying, Dr. Earl comes in.

Now those of you reading for a while will know I prefer a man gynecologist.

I like that they have bigger hands and can get in and out and on with things when they’re rooting around in there. And they’re not so, I don’t know, female.

But anyway, Dr. Earl comes in.

Close your eyes and picture what you think a typical Jersey guy looks like.

Is he short?


Is he stocky?


Does he have a thicket of chest hair peeking out of the top of his shirt?


The only difference between this guy and a Sopranos extra was that he was wearing a lab coat.

And I was kind of surprised he was even wearing that.

I read somewhere that lab coats are kind of a thing of the past and many doctors opt not to wear them anymore.

I know Dr. Mad Scientist, even though he’s a not an MD but a PhD, only wears his if they know they’re being inspected or if they’re doing something particularly bloody that day.

Execution Day at MSU was lab coat day. He came home telling me stories one day of the undergrad that forgot her coat and was sprayed by a particularly juicy rat one Execution Day. Makes finding mouse turds in your tuna helper seem benign huh?

Shockingly, Dr. Earl doesn’t get into the standard conversation I have with people, especially doctors, about my last name. Usually it’s “Mrs. Bez-bez-bez-bez----um, how do you say it?” followed with “What ethnicity is that?”

Dude, I don’t know, it’s freaking Czech or something. Ask my husband, it was his people not mine. I’m just sleeping in this family tree.

No no, he starts with “Where you from?” and asks me where my husband works. I inform him that he's a PhD researcher at Mt. Sinai. (Pay attention to this fact.)

Dr. Earl got down business quickly. He asked if I wanted a chaperone (i.e. a nurse to come into the room) before I spread ‘em.

I told him no. What's the point of choosing a male gyno if you're just going to have to drag a nurse in to watch? Get a female gyno then!

While he’s got me spread and doing some weird yoga knee flex to loosen things up a bit (I have never in my life been told to bend like that during a pelvic exam) he asks me if he can interest me in upgrading my pap smear to include an STD screen for gonorrhea and syphilis.

I had a flashback to when I was a teenager working at the movie theater and how I earned $25 for upselling a medium to a large popcorn to a secret shopper.

I hope the kickbacks Dr. Earl obviously receives from whatever testing company making these tests are good.

He gives me some schpiel about how they’re asymptomatic and not a bad idea, blah blah. He laughs and says hey if it comes back positive, my husband would be on the hook for a new car or some jewelry.

Later after the exam was done, he asks me if I smoke or drink. I tell him I do drink, but only once in a while.

He laughs and says "Ha ha, so you're not an alcoholic yet!"

Holy mother of Fatzah. YET?

I think this dude was perceiving me as the Cartoon Doctor's Wife: a drunk shrew that drives her man to cheat on her and then weasels him out of diamonds and shiny cars when he brings home the STD du jour to me. And my husband's not even an MD!

Jesus, Cartoon PhD Wives have short gray hair, and bake delicious cookies for departmental Christmas parties (those chocolate covered cherry cookies went over very well at Dr. Mad Scientist's departmental party today, by the way!). Cartoon PhD Wives trust their husbands to not cheat on them and we don't like diamonds and Lexuses.

But like many of you have emailed me with your K.A.Y.E. stories—it was good that I went in. While he was wrist-deep in there, he told me I had a nice little fibroid growing.

Which isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t give me problems like textbook ones are supposed to. But it does explain why Dr. Mad Scientist and I have been able to knock boots with impunity with no consequences for a year.

And here y’all thought I was stupid for giving away those car seats!

I'm a little saddened by this but we're lucky to have had Chunky.

Thank the holy squashes above we didn't wait to have kids though huh?

For once one of our plans actually worked!

And on that note, if you've made it this far, remember to spread the love and the legs and let people know, or enter yourself in my K.A.Y.E. drawing! Entries close for the month AND the year on December 31!

Here you thought Christmas was coming fast!



Blogger Magatha said...

Good Grief. I have so much gyno hatred that I broke out in a sweat just reading. I would have never made it past the carpet.
My last visit went like this. I show up on time. I sit and wait for 1 full hour watching every enormously pregnant rich girl in the world dressed in Juicy sweatsuits pass before my eyes. Then the nurse announces the doctor has been called to the hospital for a delivery but we can wait, it'll be long. I've already been there an hour. I leave. I call and demand the scrip I wanted at the appointment. They give it to me.
The End
PS I know what the Vagistinguisher is and it's the best yeast med in the world. It should be, it's ridiculously expensive.

7:42 PM  
Blogger roxy =^o^= said...


So New Jersey.

The best gyno team drs. are in Freehold, so lemme know next time if you want 411.

I think I told you that I was so tired that I fell asleep at my last cooter rooting, right? hahahaha My docs are so cool that we spend more time joking and debating the virtues of golf and snowboarding - I have to be reminded to stop laughing/moving around so they can finish the exam.

Wooooo go Bezzie!

8:20 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Oh My Gawd! Reading that makes me so grateful for every doctor I've ever been to! What a sleaze ball! I hope you can find a better office before your next exam time rolls around.

I'll have to tell you the story about the uppity attitude my husband got from the neurologist he once went to about migraines. Mr. SABLE was then a post-doc in a neuroscience lab and Dr. Uppity, Neurologist, said something along the lines that he might have considered grad school if he hadn't gotten into medical school. grrr.

9:04 PM  
Blogger T. Budnik said...

Good story. Good story. Man, you would not believe the incredible luck I've been having--I've heard so many good stories in the last couple of days.


9:25 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Ha, ha, ha...I, too, got "upsold" on the STD tests at my rooting. Maybe there's some kind of huge discount/bulk sale going on in the gynecological testing world we know nothing about.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Tactless Wonder said...

I was just gonna say, yup, doing the STD check on me too. Must be a bi-coastal.

I'm so glad your tale ended on a non-run-away-screaming-and maybe crying-a little note.

The first doctor I went to see here in Seattle had the exact same set up and she was both scary and horrid and, la la la, I'm not going to think about it anymore.

My doctor knits, is nice, and says things like: We can forgive the high blood pressure and skip the cholesterol check cuz you're YOUNG! (Love her!)

10:11 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...


There are just no words......

10:18 PM  
Blogger weezalana said...

Product placement and upselling at the gyno's. Great. Soon they'll walk in saying something like, "Welcome to the Home Depot Pap Smear..."

And what, no gold chain?

1:49 AM  
Blogger Red Dog Knits - Kristi and Otis said...

OMG - Thanks for the laughs and all the visuals, I think....

I agree about the STR pilling issue too - same thing here and I even noticed this issue minutes before being in the very same position you were just in ;)

4:44 AM  
Blogger Christina said...


I also prefer a male gyno, though he's gay, so I kinda get the best of both worlds.

6:24 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

oh, man.

I absolutely HATE it when doctors do that. I had a gyno appointment a couple of years ago and when offered an STD test, I refused it. The B**ch doctor insisted that the CDC wanted this information, but I still persisted, saying I'd just had one done in order to get my marriage liscense less than 1 month ago!

Her response? "You never know!"


And the worst part, she still did the test!

6:32 AM  
Blogger The Curly Knitter said...

I'm sorry to hear the news. I will say though, you are one brave women. From the description you gave just walking in, I would have been so out of there.

6:41 AM  
Blogger Dkswife said...

I just go to my regular md who is a female. I have never had her ask me if I wanted to get a std test with my pap.

Oh those NJ Md's -- crazy cooters aren't they. BTW, no pun intended...that's a lie.

BTW, I have a new blog: dkswife.blogspot.com


8:05 AM  
Blogger Macoco said...

What a weirdo doctor! I'm glad you were finally able to schedule an appointment though.

8:08 AM  
Blogger Poops said...

That is the Best Story I've read in awhile. Laughed out loud, even!

My beloved gyno is male, but he's a wee little fella. Kinda reminds me of William H. Macy. He always wears a shirt and tie and a lab coat for office visits. The first time I saw him in scrubs I laughed out loud because they made him look positively TINY!

I love him though...get to see him again on Friday!

9:43 AM  
Blogger Alisha said...

I am gonna miss my doctor :( She retired and now I have a new one and how awful to have to go through it all with a new doctor....yuck! Not.looking.forward.to.it!

It really is not fair women get all this crap!! LOL

I love those cherry cookies...they look so good. And your little felted trees...so cute!!

9:55 AM  
Blogger Donna Lee said...

My gyno has been doing the extra tests for a few years. It was no big deal, the insurance paid for it and because hpv is a major cause of cervical cancers, it's worth it. And you can get hpv without any hanky panky going on. There are some statistics that say that almost 80 percent of the adult population of the US is carrying hpv at any one time. So, I know it's a yucky thing to contemplate but it just may save someone's life.

9:59 AM  
Blogger knottygnome said...

that is the funniest sad story i've ever heard.

i don't think my clinic employs male doctors (or nurses either). at least, i've never seen one. i often wonder if it qualifies as discrimination, but then they deal with a lot of abuse cases, so i can see why they wouldn't.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man! I think that I would have left the minute that I walked in. And Yeah...Why did they not tell you that you needed to pay in cash. Sounds like someone is doing things under the table from the IRS, maybe that is why he keeps such a shitty office. Sorry to hear about your fibroid...but hey Party ON!! As for upselling the STD test I would definitely look for another DR. I have changed DRs for less than that!!! I am very picky about who roots my cooter. And if you know any good ones up here let me know cause I am looking for a new one...one who does not order lab test and then sits on the results and will only inform you of those results over the phone. But I'm NOT BITTER!!!! Love, Mom

12:47 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

There is no such thing as a simple visit is there?

Sounds like yours was a doozy. Go hug Chunky and be glad you have him!

12:51 PM  
Blogger funfairiegirl said...

cool scooter = cooter scooter. just sayin.

I used to go to a guy gyno who delievered the ex. After he and I split he continued to tell me about the ex family vaginas. I didn't go back.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Ed said...




It was like a really bad pileup on the motorway, I couldn't take my eyes of the screen.

Morbid curiosity was on this day satisfied in spades to N'th degree.

And this bit:-
“I may have a foul smelling green discharge from my vagina—but with VagoStinguish that won’t stop me from zipping along on my cool scooter!”


But what I really want to know is, Are you OK?

Happy X-mass


4:20 PM  
Blogger Carina said...

That reminded me of my GI's office. Terrible carpet, broken down chairs in the waiting room, but the best part was seeing the metal folding chairs in the exam rooms. Classy.

Don't get me started on how he hadn't read my internist's report or many of the notes his nurse and PA made or how late he was running without telling anyone or his voice mail that won't let you talk with an actual person unless you pretend to be a doctor or have one you can hand the phone to. Yeah, I'm not going back. He did fine on the scoping, but I'm done with his office.

As a cartoon MD's wife (hee, hee!), I'd have to agree that I'm not an alcoholic yet who needs the STD testing. If I had to get tested, I think my doctor would kick Hubby's ass--they trained together.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

what a story!!! sorry to hear about the growth though... when I went for my KAYE check up back in February, I had a little pollup, and the Dr scraped that baby off and sent it to the lab... then I got the bill... $500, insurance covered... $o! most expensive invasion of privacy ever!

6:27 PM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

When you were on your back looking up was there an advert on the ceiling?

6:27 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

OK, no one could possible tell this like you. Sure it wasn't Little Pussy who examined you? I hadn't heard what he's doing since Sopranos;) All in all, as long as your health stays in check is what really matters.

7:22 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

I never go to an OB/GYN. Hate 'em. Hate all of 'em. They're all blood-suckers and will do any unnecessary treatment they can find if they think they can get away with it. And I have the c-section scar AND the episiotomy scar to prove it. Damn doctors! I have a family doctor, and she's also my children's doctor and my husband's doctor. She didn't try to upsell me an STD swab when I had my "exam." She did try to give us all shots, which I declined ;).

Sorry to hear about your fibroid. I had an OB/GYN "feel" a fibroid, but when I had an ultrasound it turned out to be a cyst, that went away, and baby four was conceived :).

8:37 PM  
Blogger Zonda said...

Oh my! Only you could tell a story like that! LOL!!

Yeah, I wore my STR socks today..hmmm don't likey that pilling..not at all!

10:06 PM  
Blogger Miss T said...

That office sounds ever so slightly creepy.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

So, do you need an operation to get the fibroid taken out?

9:11 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Omg I just read this now,,, and practically peeing in my pants! Thank you Bezzie I needed that! You made me think of my first visit to the gyn. 17 yo,,,, mom's gyn,,, as she explained procedure to me, but failed to tell me the dr was greek.

Lets say I wasnt prepared for the rectal part of the exam. You never forget your first!

3:47 PM  

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