Sunday, February 03, 2008

Rock Bottom

I debated on whether I should blog about this or not.

But I'm sick of this shit being hidden. I'm sick of it being a dirty fucking secret.

My husband is an alcoholic.

I thought things were getting better. Despite being kicked out of AA in Michigan--that's right folks, kicked out--he saw a shrink who helped him get his addiction in check.

But then we moved.

Story of our life huh?

And apparently Mr. PhD-eight-years-of-schooling can retain all that he was taught in his field, but can't remember the tools the shrink gave him for dealing with his addiction.

Here's the deal: When things go well--Dr. Mad Scientist likes to sabotage them.

He's the classic self-shitter.

And after a year of being in Jersey, things were going good.

We were getting out of credit card debt from the move, I had just gotten a raise at work, my car will be paid off in a few months. I was actually thinking we could start SAVING money again and stop living paycheck to paycheck.

And then he brought home the news on Friday.

He's been drinking at work.

He's been put on unpaid leave and goes into rehab, either outpatient or inpatient for either 30, 60 or 90 days...we'll find out on Monday.

He may or may NOT be taken back into the employ of Mt. Sinai.

I'm thinking NOT.

I can't describe to you how frustrated, pissed, scared shitless, and fucking stupid I feel right now.

I hate being the man in this relationship. I hate being the one who brings home the bacon. I hate being the one who has to always be the responsible one while he can't handle the trappings of adulthood and his own sense of self-hatred.

So that's it in a nutshell.

I'm suspending K.A.Y.E. for a while. I don't have the heart for it. I don't have the money for it. Thank god for that raise, because now if I cancel the Netflix, the cable, stop eating one meal a day, and never turn on the heat in the apartment again, I just might barely be able to eek by.

Where's the book deal now huh? Email me with any part-time job suggestions you might have for a nearly 30 year old woman with an associates degree in general studies, and eight years experience as a legal secretary.

I'm also disabling the comments. Your comments will just make me cry harder.

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