Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Update and 'Nip

I guess I should post and update on the shitty-emotional-home front.

Today marks the first week of Dr. MS’s rehab. He goes to rehab four days a week for about three hours a day. Basically he attends an hour of “lecture” on how to grasp and utilize the tools of recovery, etc. and then he goes to an AA meeting held at the rehab center (but not affiliated with the rehab center in accordance with the rules of AA as an organization).

Some days the lecture is a class on how not to have suicidal thoughts.

For the month that his health insurance is in place (until 2/29 as far as I know), it is costing me $33 a day in a copay to send him there.

Chunky, who was informed of daddy losing his job, inquired as to why daddy was still hopping on the train in the morning if he didn’t have a job. I had to tell Chunky that Daddy was basically fired for being a bad boy and needed to learn how to behave better at work and he was going to school to learn this. Behavior is a big discussion topic in his kindergarten class. He’s in a class full of punk-asses that have driven a teacher to quit.

Luckily, Chunky's not one of those punk-ass kids.


On the weekends and at night, Dr. Mad Scientist attends various AA meetings in the NJ area.

This completely fucked my idea of applying for a part time job since these meetings are basically any time of day or night. But hey, it’s all about him getting better right?

Myself, well, I’m hanging on.

I’m dealing with a lot of rage. That’s the part that frightens me the most.

I tried going to an Al Anon meeting, but when I got there I don’t think it was taking place anymore or the time was screwed up.

It’s a long story that I wrote out in bloggish form in longhand for my own version of therapy—it was a bit funny in hindsight, and I don't think I'll be trying to go to another one anytime soon.

I went more into it in my longhand writing. I don’t feel like reiterating it here.

I just feel like I’ve lost a leg and it was Dr. MS who cut it off. It will never grow back and I’m fucking pissed that anyone would ever dream of intentionally or unintentionally doing that to me.

He’s fucked my quality of life and now I’ve got to learn how to hobble along while he sorts out his problems and I’m supposed to sit here and support him while I’ve got my own issues no one is bending over backwards to help me out on. Narcissistic I know.

Someday I’ll have enough money to buy a prosthesis for the leg he cut off. But he’ll have to figure out how to buy the Sneaker of Trust. I’m not slipping on that shoe so easily ever again.

But onto happier things! I think this week is Random Act of Kindness week or something. Regardless it is Valentine's Day.

I was hoping to have these finished last week for Chinese New Year, but hey, a week late isn't too bad.


They're cat-toy fortune cookies. Felted and stuffed with 'nip. (I'm a little embarrassed by those stitches showing on the "fortunes" but I have to remember my target audience--is a cat going to care?)

They're made from some Paton's Classic Merino I dandelion dyed. The fortunes are some Pottery Barn ribbon I've been saving (don't worry The Man used to always buy me Christmas presents from the Pottery Barn--I wouldn't be caught dead in there.)

I just hope their nipalicious for the kitties they're going to.

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Blogger The Curly Knitter said...

From what you say I think your feelings of rage are completely normal. He's lucky you didn't cause severe bodily harm to him if you ask me. It just sucks that you have to go through this and you're right. Someone should be taking care of you.
On a lighter note, the catnip fortune cookies look great! I can just picture some happy kitties rolling around with those toys!

7:00 AM  
Blogger Macoco said...

I don't think it's narcissistic at all, it sounds like normal feelings to me. And I am so glad that Chunky is not one of those punk-ass little kids! Not that there was ever any doubt of course.

Okay, I love those cat toys. They are so sweet. I might have to whip some out for the cat I'm watching next week.

7:04 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Seconding what the curly knitter said. Rage over this situation is completely normal. Your amputation analogy is insightful, and hopefully a sign that you're successfully working all this stuff out in your head.

Even though the Al-Anon meeting time/place was effed up, do try to go again. Sharing everything with people who've been in remarkably similar places is extremely cathartic.

7:31 AM  
Blogger Dkswife said...

Those fortune cookie nips are very, very cute!

I hope more than anything that you can eventually find some peace. I don't know how you can though, because RAGE would be my first, middle, and last name after what he did to you and Chunky.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

hang in there Bezzie. Hope the Dr. MS gets it together, and you keep it together. us women are the strong ones, don't forget!

8:04 AM  
Blogger Disco said...

Even in the midst of your crisis, you are thinking of others - you are too nice by half.

As for Dr MS and your rage - I think anyone would be angry. Go back to a more organised AA meeting with him - you need some support too.

I am praying that his employers will take him back at the end of this month and that your heart can heal. Take care

8:19 AM  
Blogger Ina said...

Rage and hurt and fear all seem quite normal reactions to an out of control situation. I hope you can find positive outlets for all that fight or flight energy!

I'm sorry your first try at Al-Anon was a bust. If you haven't done so already, some feedback to those who provided the incorrect information could be constructive. I hope you give it another go - or, if that's too much right now, at least continue the longhand journaling.

FYI, many people who observe Chinese New Year's celebrate for a week or two (so you haven't missed it). And such adorable catnip fortune cookies would be welcome at any time.

8:37 AM  
Blogger Cindy in Happy Valley said...

Narcissistic? I think not! Perhaps if you were whining about how you are missing your regular spa treatments,.....

You are perfectly entitled to rage. Just don't let it get the best of you. Hurting yourself won't help anyone. Especially you and that cutie Chunky. Dr. MS can fend for himself IMHO....

9:15 AM  
Blogger Magatha said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:16 AM  
Blogger sgeddes said...

I love the fortune cookies. what a cute idea.

You have every right ot have those feelings and you shouldn't feel guilty about that at all. I think maybe you shuld try another meeting - maybe at a different place but you should go. I think it will be hard but it could help.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Pam the Yarn Goddess said...

Honey, the same thing happened to me, except it was bipolar disease. I knew he had it; I thought he was taking his medication. But he didn't take it for a year and, since he handled the finances, I didn't know what was going on.

I should have a clue when I had to sell my beloved Corvette because we needed the money. But I just figured it was because I had spent too much. Had I been thinking rationally, I would have realized the amount of money Hubster makes, and that things literally didn't add up.

I only found out what was happening one morning when he came running into the bedroom and said he had something to tell me, that I could leave him, that he had been bad. There were strange people in my backyard. It turns out that he had completely stopped paying bills while he was off his meds; since I didn't deal with finances, it was very easy for him to intercept the mail and throw away anything that would tip me off. He just felt it was all unnecessary. Those people in the backyard? The insurance people for the new buyers.

We had to leave our dream home in a matter of weeks and move into a residential motel for three months. Finally, we found a house to rent and got him back on his meds. Now, however, there's the threat that our landlord may want to move back here when our lease is up in May. I don't know what we'll do then, so I'm trying to keep positive thoughts.

I could have left him, but then I would be alone with nowhere to go. We've been married for close to 20 years, and even though I harbored a tremendous amount of rage and blame towards him, I wanted things to work out. I knew if I left, he would kill himself, and I didn't want that on my soul. I also still loved him. He couldn't help being sick.

So, as long as we can live here for another three years or so, we should be able to buy another house. He's doing well again, and I'm about to launch a business. I'm also very involved with our finances and keep a close eye on things. What happened really sucked, but there comes a time when you have to put it behind you and move forward. I went to therapy for a while and it really helped me.

I hope that you can come to terms with what has happened. If you would ever like to talk, I'd be delighted to be a listening board. It helps to just barf out your emotions. My email is pamtheknitter@gmail.com. Please write. I've been through this a few times, with this one being the worst episode. I'm 50 years old and am having to start life over. I'm just grateful now that I have the chance to do so. Let me help you if I can.

10:14 AM  
Blogger knottygnome said...

those fortune cookies are adorable. i'm sure the lucky cat recipients will go crazy with joy.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Dame Wendy said...

If you need to get away for a few hours for some knitting we've got a comfy couch on the Upper East Side. :)

10:33 AM  
Blogger weezalana said...

Good for Chunky! He must be one of those kids that makes you glad to be a teacher. I *cough* might have been the other kind. ;)

Rage seems appropriate. And carrying the entire load all the goddam time can suck. If you ever want to talk, feel free to unload on me.

10:38 AM  
Blogger IrishgirlieKnits said...

I agree with everyone here Bezzie. Your anger is very appropriate right now. If you can talk to someone (anyone, and I guess that's us included) I know that helps sometimes. I continue to be amazed at how brave you are though. That Chunky has one rockin' mom!!!! Look at that smile on his face :)

Have a great week!!

10:42 AM  
Blogger Dkswife said...

I don't suppose Dr. MS would be able to find a part time job? That would help if he can manage that right now.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Beverly said...

It may not feel like it sometimes, but you are a strong woman. Be proud of your strength and don't be so hard on yourself when you feel rage. I am sure it is perfectly normal. The fact that you can write about this so intelligently shows that you are handling all of this better than you think.

Is it odd that when I read the post title I thought there'd be something about nipples? I know - dirty mind.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Miss T said...

Realistic, not narcissistic. Good energy to you and Chunky while you get through this! One foot in front of the other...

11:01 AM  
Blogger maryannlucy said...

Fab photo of Chunky, what a great guy ;) teachers dream. What was the certificate for?

11:16 AM  
Blogger cpurl17 said...

You are not a narcissist. Rage is normal. Chunky is adorable. Send him here so I can spoil him rotten.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous joymama said...

Geez Bezzie don't be so hard on yourself. Remember I told you about my hubby's rehab? I stayed PO'd at the guy for a while for the very reasons you mention...money, time away from the family to deal with his issues (they we feel they bring upon themselves), seeing your knight in shining armor be 'just a guy', his seemingly selfish behavior. One of my things to say when I was pissed off was...well, I don't get the benefit of having the time or money to get help for myself when I'm so busy working, keeping house and making sure the child is tended to!.
You're a normal woman coping with some crappy circumsances. You'll overcome and so will Dr. MS. Keep being real!!!!

11:33 AM  
Blogger Amby said...

Definitely not narcissistic!!! Does the place he's going for treatment have an Al-Anon meeting recommendation?

Big hugs to you, I sent you an e-mail too.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Poops said...

Sometimes things really suck. You know that old saying, "Some days you're the bug, and some days you're the windshield."

Do try another meeting. You are not alone, not by a longshot.

There are brighter days ahead. Remember that you love each other, that you're a family, and you can and will come out the other side of this stronger and better. I just know it.

In the meantime, I know people. I can call anytime you want. Say the word...

11:50 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

I would bend over backwards for you, even if it broke me ;-) I'd be more concerned for you if you WEREN'T pissed. Great kitty fortunes, bet they come true~wishing the same for you.

12:16 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I think your feelings are normal. And you know, even with an alcoholic father, and an addict sister, AlAnon wasn't for me. I think that's totally fine too.

Hugs and more hugs.

Those kitty fortune cookies are very cool. But, not as cool as Chunky and his award :).

12:21 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

You have every right to be angry. Hell, I'm angry for you, and I don't even know you. It's a sucky situation, made even worse because you did nothing to cause it, yet you have to deal with the consequences.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, lets see if I can comment through my tears....Rage is a normal feeling to be feeling right now. The thing to do is not turn it onto yourself or Chunkie. DrMS needs to know that you are hurt/raging and he needs to fix himself to help you and Chunkie over this. Writing your feelings down and giving them structure will help you work through them. You might want to even get Chunkie to do the same. You are not alone in this struggle, as you can see from the comments.
Thank you to all who have commented and offered support. You will get through this and the sun will shine. Love, Mom

12:34 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

If you didn't feel angry, I'd be worried. Is there a reason he can't get a job ,say, delivering newspapers or something to help ends meet? I have no idea how this kind of thing works, I feely admit. I also hope that he is grovelling in proper form for all the mess.

Moving on...dute fortune cookies. I have discovered my kitty looooves any toy with a tail-like appendage. So I'm pretty sure the recipients will love 'em. Besides, there's catnip involved!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Lauren said...

I come from a family of addicts, and I agree that all of what your feeling is totally normal.

I here tales that the Al Anon meetings in the Jersey area are nice. Try again. I hope you can find one that is easy to get to, and is where it says it is.

The new kitty toys are cute and well appreciated I'm sure.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Starfish said...

I too agree with everyone - you are in no way narcissistic. In fact, part of his therapy should be to feel some of your rage if you ask me.

I hope you do try again for al anon or something similar. Just knowing you're not the crazy one is half the battle - it's why I started blogging in the first place (about infertility).

3:04 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Bezzie, the writing on the handles is what grabbed me - it was so cute!

3:33 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Seriously, rage is normal. I'd be worried if you said you didn't feel some rage.

I think the idea od Dr.MS getting a part time job is good, if he can manage the time around his meetings and therapy. Even if he did something from home that could work around his schedule, like medical transcriptioning or something.

I'm not far from you either. If you need some time away to man-bitch, just holler.

Love the cat toys by the way. One of my friends celebrates Chinese New Year for a few weeks and its always a blast.

It sounds like you've got one good kid on your hands.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Carina said...

All of this makes me want to smack him with a clue-by-four. Seriously. And he's not even my husband.

You have every right to be furious. This wasn't what you signed up for, and it's not fair. Not. at. all. I'm no expert on alcoholism, but from what I've seen in my family, you have to hit bottom before you finally stop drinking. Losing his job like this and seeing you hurt just might be the bottom for him. Let's hope he doesn't fall further.

Just being practical (I come from a family of alcoholics): come up with an escape plan. Make sure you know you can take care of yourself and Chunky without him, if need be. I know that's nasty and mean, and I'm sorry if it hurts, but I'd worry that you didn't have a way out and got hurt worse. :(

6:51 PM  
Blogger Amysatx said...

Hang in there kiddo and in the words of Dory from Finding Nemo:

"You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming swimming swimming"


Just keep swimming....and look out for those life preservers :-)

7:17 PM  
Blogger Zonda said...

Love those fortune cookies!!

Hey, hang in there! We are here and you can vent, yell, scream, etc. all you want!

11:29 PM  
Blogger JRS said...

You are in no way being narcissistic. Not one bit.

Put the fortune cookies in your etsy shop! They are too damn cute. If I still had kitties, I'd love to get them those.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Donna Lee said...

Horray for Chunky. And you are hardly narcissistic. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. And you must be doing something right to have such a terrific kid.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Yay! for Chunkie! What an awesome accomplishment and a testament to both you and him. A lot of times when families are in transition the kids respond with inappropriate behavior. Good for you that he's not. I also like the way you explained it all to him in terms he could understand. You really do rock!

I hope you can find some solace in the fact that while we're not physically there with you and you aren't necessarily feeling like you can rant it all out to us with out some censoring of your feelings, you have a lot of people out here who are rooting for you.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Hoping things get better for you. I don't blame a bit for being angry. The picture of your son is very cute! Glad to hear he's not one of the bad kids! My son will start kindergarten this fall (he's in daycare now), and we've had a few problems with some bratty kids. My daughter goes to the daycare for summer camp every year, and the kids can't keep money (kids bring money to buy snacks at the local pool when they go swimming) in their bags or backpacks, because a few kids have gotten their money stolen. Mind you, these are only 9 and 10 year olds! Makes you wonder what's going on in these kids' homes. I remember when my older brother and I went to a free summer camp at the Salvation Army one year, I think I was about 7, and he was 8 or 9, and this kid who was probably about 11 was drinking water from the water fountain, and spitting it on other kids, so one of the counselors locked him a locker! Seriously! Mind you, this was like 1980 or so. Nowadays the place would get sued.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Laura said...


The cat toys are totally adorable! The last time I gave my cat catnip (good ol' Cosmic Catnip), she went crazy. I left the container of catnip on a table, and she tried to pick it up with her teeth, and then tried to bite it open! My local newspaper here in the Cleveland area had a little tidbit recently about this pet shop owner in a wealthy suburb who said a lot of teenagers have been coming in her shop lately, buying the Cosmic Catnip, and she speculated the teenagers were trying to smoke it to get high, LOL!

10:01 AM  
Anonymous etcgirl said...

I get a little sniffy every time I see a post from your Mom here. She's got to be pretty cool (hey, where do you think *you* got it from?).

Do yourself (and Chunky) a favour, and book yourself an evening/night/weekend away somewhere once every month or two. Pinched finances don't have to be a big drag - crash with a friend, or just pack a sack lunch and get out for a day of fresh air. My point is to recommend that you keep injecting some evidence of healthy and fun activity, so that the central drama become soft focus for a while.


12:43 PM  
Blogger Mamma said...

Thanks for updating on the Mad Scientist. Not to sound to crazy stalkerish, but I think of you constantly. You are so strong, and brave, and you love your family so purely and deeply. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Rebel said...

Echoing everyone else here, I think your rage is normal and justified. I personally think anger can be a very powerful and energizing emotion. It can give you the power to get through to the next stage of grief or crisis management or whatever.

I'm not sure that makes sense, but it always irritates me when people encourage me to jump to forgiveness before I've fully processed my anger. Feel it, use it, keep moving forward. Eventually the anger will be replaced by other emotions and you'll move through those too.

LOVE the cat nip fortunes, I could see Sally getting her claws in there and really chomping on them.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Penny Karma said...

I'll knit you a prostethic leg. Cuz that's the kind of friend I am. :)

11:10 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Go Chunky!
I hope you get your prosthetic leg sooner than later. It sucks to have to be the strong one all the time.
Cute fortune cookie toys :)

3:21 PM  
Blogger Alisha said...

I agree that what your feeling is probably pretty normal considering what has gone on. Heck I was ready to give Dr. Mad a good ass whipping and I ain't married to him!!

Good for you that your raising a non punk ass brat!! Your rock!

Love the cat treats!

6:01 PM  

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