Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My Cup Overfloweth

Due to an unexpected weight gain, Laverne and Shirley, my resident mammaries, have decided to slip the surly bonds that is a C cup and move on to a D cup.

On Sunday I ditched the boys and went bra shopping.

I might as well have gone hunting for a Hillary Supporter at an Obama Rally.

I started off at Kohls.

After wandering around the store I finally found the intimates section where I was faced with about 10 double sided racks of bras.

But here's where I get pissy--about 99% of those bras were the kind that hold their shape when your boobies aren't ensconced in them.


They were all these seat-cushion foam padded nightmares.

Rack after rack!

So here's the deal. The next time I hear ANY woman complain "I hate it when men don't look me in the eyes when I'm talking to them--they just stare at my chest!" I'm going to demand that said woman flash me. And if said woman is wearing one of these seat cushion bras that add extra padding, I'm going to smack her.

Now I haven't been bra shopping since Chunky was a pup--so that was what--nearly 7 years ago? But I can tell you that back then, there was not this proliferation of artificial boob armor.

How do I know this?

Because the 1% of bras I found that I liked, i.e. they lacked an extra inch of padding, were labeled "Vintage Style."

I will say that once you started looking for anything above a D cup, this padding nightmare ended. Larger ladies don't need the extra padding I guess.

However, I'm feeling like a porn star sporting a D cup myself. Why the hell would I want to add another inch to my cleave?

Now maybe I'm being harsh.

Maybe women like to pretend like they have big boobies.

But what good does this padding do? Does it double as a personal floatation device if you're wearing it on a plane that crashes over the Atlantic? Does it make you feel sexy?

If it makes you feel sexy and you're going to play the "My husband/boyfriend/girlfriend likes me wearing this bra..." I'm going to have to say that you're sadly misinformed. No horny husband/boyfriend/girlfriend likes their woman IN a bra. They like their woman OUT of a bra.

Maybe people do really have sex with their bras on like I see in PG-13 movies?


And please don't get me started on the price for these things! We're talking a median price of $25!

Here's my cheapass tip for making your own PFD Seat Cushion Uber Fake Cleave Overpriced Bra: buy a sports bra and fill it with some of that spray foam from Home Depot.


I can't help but think about how much of the planet we could save if we stopped caring about adding a little somethin' somethin' to our gozangas.

Think about it: in addition to not polluting the earth with manufacturing all that foam padding--think of the tenths of pennies you would save in gas mileage not having to haul that extra weight on your boobs around town!

Needless to say I left Kohls and went to Target where I should have started off and bought myself a plain, underwire, cotton, unpadded, D-cup bra for $10.99. No fuss, no muss.

Laverne and Shirley love it.



Blogger turtlegirl76 said...

But what about Lenny? Or does he call it Squiggy? =P

Bras are ridiculously overpriced. But a necessary evil for the most part.

6:42 AM  
Blogger Poops said...

I gets my boulder holders at the Walmart. There's something in my makeup that just will not let me pay more than 12 bucks for underwear. Now, if I could just find something in a C cup that does't have underwires! Gah!

But I like the foam. My girls are ridiculously misshapen and two completely different sizes, so a wee bit o' foam fill sort of evens things out and makes them looks like breasts and not the deflated footballs they like to mimic.

By the way, the spray foam? Don't use the one in front for bra fill. It's clearly labeled for "gaps and cracks."

6:48 AM  
Anonymous ann said...

Padding is essential if your girls tend to always have high beams on. I'm largish, also, but i don't find the padding adds as much as it seems -- they just make for a "smoother silhouette."

7:02 AM  
Blogger Kay aka dkswife said...

Make your own...there are patterns online. A D cup? Crap. You do not look big enough to have a D cup! I'm sorry....because I have a C cup and I think my girls are too big.

Disclaimer: I have never tried making a bra myself, and I usually buy mine at Walmart.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Kay aka dkswife said...

Oh, I was just thinking the other day how I needed to get me some new bras. I haven't bought any in about 4 years, and after 4 years of wear, they ain't looking to sexy! LOL

7:58 AM  
Blogger Vaedri said...

I have been wearing cheap, crap bras for so long that I'd convinced myself that spending more wouldn't matter. I know that I'm probably an exception - for most people, the cheaper versions do just fine. Unfortunately, they don't make the cheaper versions in my size.

So I finally caved and went to a 'real' bra store, and what a difference. My clothes fit better, my posture's improved, and people have asked me if I've lost a *lot* of weight. And all for "only" $100 a bra. Ugh.

7:58 AM  
Blogger Amby said...

Grrr, don't get me started...IF you can find a DD bra at Target, Wally World, etc, it's damn ugly. I just recently gave in and bought at Lane Bryant...not 100% sure what I think of those either. I love my boobies but DAMN it's hard to house them!

8:00 AM  
Blogger Kay aka dkswife said...

And one more oh!

I bought me about 5 pairs of underwear at Walmart a couple months ago for $2.50 each! They are the best fitting ones I have bought in years!!! They are all medium weight cotton knit, not a boy cut, but not quite a bikini cut, and comfy, and they don't ride up my butt! Sweet! I have thought about making a pattern from them and trying to sew me some. That's how much I love them! MOF, I will make a pattern this weekend! Okay, enough about intimate items from me :)

8:02 AM  
Blogger knottygnome said...

try finding a non-padded bra when you are flat. it's impossible.

i finally gave into the foam b/c i have no other alternatives. at least it's still "light padding" and not the liquid gel filled monstrosities that make you look like you left your boobs on the floor when you take it off.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Brena said...

Kohl's and Fredricks are the only places that I've found that makes a bra in my silly cup size/band size ratio. I'm assuming if I went to a stripper store I could find some too, since I am the most requested size at a plastic surgeons office (34DD).

All of the padded bras I've bought have little slits in them so you can pull out the padding. If only I could find a way to recycle those things...

8:26 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I am a B, maybe an almost-C, and I'll tell you, I do like the padding. Not those shove-em-up-to-your-ears bras, but a nice little bit of cleavage and volume(even without a low cut shirt, which I don't really wear anyway).

Why? In my case, I gots me some good hips. Frankly, the girls are a little small for these hips. Looks kinda imbalanced. I like a little padding to look a little more balanced, that's all. Top should match the bottom, in my humble o.

Husband knows they're not real, but he enjoys the cleavage anyway. Fine by me.

8:28 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

I was going to say the padding helps if you have a problem with high beams, but someone beat me to it. I would LIKE to go the cheap bra route, but I found that I don't get the support I need from the cheap ones.

8:32 AM  
Blogger sgeddes said...

Ah, the evil that lurks in the lingere department! I hate bra shopping and would rather just have mine reduced to a nice small size.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Disco said...

Welcome to the 'D' Club!

9:11 AM  
Blogger Tactless Wonder said...

Did we go shopping together or something?

I too was at Target this weekend and grabbed my limit of 6 to figure out that, padded or not? Nothing worked the way I wanted it to...I totally had a "back in my day" moment in the dressing room...the only cotton I found was the t-shirt material though, and it, um sagged. I need all the extra support I can get at the end of the day...you will know what I mean if you keep that cup size a while.

Personally I was jumping for joy when I got back to single letter sizes...well, at least in one boob. I thought it was hard to be between pant sizes, between bra sizes really sucks.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Stacie said...

haa haa haa hee hee ho... whew! I just had to bra shop myself, and was at Kohl's having almost the very same thoughts!! What is up with all the push ups? I tried one on for kicks, and thought I might spill if I wore one of them... gimme cotton, plain and simple!

9:24 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

LOL, that was too funny! I'm with you on the bra frustration. I abhor underwires, and it was such a nightmare trying to find a non-underwire, halter bra to wear with my bridesmaid's dress. I finally found one on Freshpair.com, although it set me back way more money than I would normally spend on a bra.

Sometimes I think bras must be designed by men, because most of them are so damn uncomfortable and/or unflattering. Same thing with pantyhose - I hate, hate, hate pantyhose! Being kind of chunky, but also short, it's a near impossible feat to find a decent fitting pair of pantyhose.

As someone who's breasts only crept into a B cup after having two kids, I kind of envy you with the D's, though, LOL!

I actually used to work with a lady who wore a size I bra. Seriously! They were her real breasts - no padding, no augmentation. She had the same complaint, about guys staring at her chest. She eventually ended up getting breast reduction surgery, and getting them cut down to C, because she had chronic back pain, and was really limited to the kinds of clothes she could wear, because other than her chest, she was thin overall.

Ah, what we women have to go through. : (

9:24 AM  
Blogger weezalana said...

Can I flash you even if I don't say that?

10:00 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

A classic post! Brilliant. I am truly laughing out loud, which I never just say for the heck of it.

I hate hate hate bra shopping. And whenever I think I can discreetly toss a few in the cart and hide them under some other stuff, like at Shopko or Target, a family complete with four generations, including husbands and grandpas and sons, appears tagging along after a woman and they all mill around and embarrass me. Why don't all those menfolk go hang out in Automotive while the woman gets her undies and stuff? harumph.

But yeah, that whole thing about women putting on padded foam bras and such and even getting implants, then complaining if their boobs get more attention than their faces? It makes no sense to me.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Sigh,,, unfortunately for me, my cup runneth over since I was in 8th grade. And its always been hard to find something that "fits".

I needed comfortable, especially when I became a bus driver. Now it does nothing for looks at all,, but for the past 7 years I've basically been living out of sport bras. And since mine are hidden underneath my uniform (or tshirts, now that I'm home), it works.

Walmart was the motherload for me, 3 for $10.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Donna Lee said...

I noticed the same thing on a recent bra expedition to Target. I don't need a pre shaped undergarment. I have a perfectly fine shape of my own, thankyouverymuch. I won't buy one, I don't need padding. Who decided these "microfiber" wonders were what we wanted anyway? And if you see any of those women who are complaining, smack them a good one for me, too.

10:57 AM  
Blogger The Curly Knitter said...

Glad Laverne and Shirley enjoy their new digs! =)

11:25 AM  
Blogger ZantiMissKnit said...

I love trying on "add a size" bras, just for shits and giggles. I don't know if they make them above a C cup, though, and my most recent measurements put me at a D/DD (that's the "nearing-40 droopage" for ya).

Most of mind are without padding. If I get headlights at work and someone complains/comments, then they just have to turn the damn heat up!

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah? I don't know what everyone is complaining about. Get one removed and lose 30 lbs!! Now there is the nightmare!!! No store carries "One Eye Wonders", you have to go to the medical supply store to get a bra. And when you can't tell them there what size you are they don't fit you very well.

This is such an appropriate subject for today. Last night I took out "Pinkie" to show your YYS and she really liked it. Said that it matches my other real good. I have gone back to using my pre-mastectomy bras making a pocket for "Pinkie", and seeing that they are made of T-shirt knit material they are working out very good.

These bras are designed by men they are the only ones who would come up with an uncomfortable design and market it like it is the cats meow!!! They don't have to wear the stupid things...They just have to try and get them off!!

Enough said. Love, Mom

11:50 AM  
Blogger Ed's next door neighbour said...

I'm with Vaedri. Since going to a 'proper' bra shop a number of years ago, I was totally converted, and haven't paid less than around £25 (or $50) since, but I do have a couple that have lasted 5 years already. It's actually become a pleasurable experience, rather than a chore, and I know how sexy I look underneath as well as looking better outside, and not a single bit of padding in sight - even properly fitted underwiring isn't as bad as it sounds.

But being a bit bigger up top can be a ball ache (so to speak ...). Most bras here in England get less sexy the bigger the sexy bits get, and trying to find a particular fit can be difficult - a really low cut cleavage is difficult to address in the lingerie department. I genuinely don't understand why people want them to be bigger - I'm an E-cup on the whole (depends on fit/make of bra) and they just get in the way! I believe there is also a saying about more than a handful/mouthful being a waste?!

As for men talking to your rack rather than your face - learn to make them dance. ;) I learned to jiggle mine a little independently without using hands - the muscle tone also helps them sit up. The look on men's faces is priceless!!

1:24 PM  
Blogger Sherry W said...

I actually like the ones with a little thickness (note the 'high beam' effect). The ones I'm talking about usually can keep their own shape, but don't add a size or anything. Plus, cups with seams annoy me, and may of these types are seamless.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

I abhor bra shopping. So much that when I find one I like, I buy 6. the problem is that when one goes, they are all close behind. and then I have to do it AGAIN. So I buy 6......

1:34 PM  
Anonymous NikBudnik said...

I too, have big bosoms....but I find that the quality of my undergarments are essential to making the clothes I wear look good and sit right. A simple t- shirt can look horrendous on a woman without a good bra on.... and as far as personal preference, I like to push mine up a bit simply for the silhouette it gives under my blouses.

2:42 PM  
Anonymous joymama said...

I dislike bra shopping a much as I dislike swimsuit shopping---which is a real whole lot.
I am a 34DD and it's not easy being petite and 'big' at the same time!
I too went to a 'real bra store' and geez, the least expensive was $60 but of course the $80 looked and fit better. I purchased two and wore the heck out of them. I've since replaced with them with 'inexpenisve' $30 ones from macy's but I think I'm going to look at Target sometime. Oy.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Olga said...

wow, I wrote a whole post on shopping for a bra at kohls and what happen to reg ol' bras- well, basically your whole post! But I never posted because I thought people would think me freaky. huh. once again your blowing away the class curve( no pun intended )

4:15 PM  
Blogger Lethe said...

In the last month or two, Consumer Reports had a short segment on comparing bras from various high priced name brand places and Target, and they found that the $11 model from Target was better made and held up better after several washes.

Once you find a model/size combination you like, you'll probably never see as many as you want in a store, but now days you can generally order the particular size/model combination you want. JC Pennys used to be great for this, with lots of less common sizes, and now you can order from the Target inventory at Amazon. I'm sure there are other places as well.

I prefer natural shaping in cotton as well. And I don't like underwires. It is easy to snip a tiny hole at the end of the underwire tubes in order to remove the underwires.

Regarding microfiber (which I love the softeness of): I always use cotton socks, my feet have sweat problems otherwise. I recently tried Target's microfiber socks ("more absorbant than cotton") and found that they fail the test, and they also get holes much more easily.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

That's here I always get mine! My gad, you crack me up. I guess girls stopped using tissues...

6:30 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Great post! I also gained (back) some weight and had to go up to a DD bra from a D. My boulder holders are impossible to shop for. I have to use underwire and they hae to have wide straps or I get backaches. Also, I need a little padding since my headlights turn on all the time. Slight breeze = headlights.

I never seem to find a good bra that will hold me for less than $30. But I always wait for a buy one, get one 1/2 off sale. I usually buy them at Lane Bryant, even though I don't really buy clothes there since they are so expensive.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Ed said...

So support isn't your bag?

T is a 44DD and she doesn't need any extra padding.

"I can't help but think about how much of the planet we could save if we stopped caring about adding a little somethin' somethin' to our gozangas."

Just like Tesco says, every little helps

I just love boobies.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Zonda said...

Gah!! I loathe bra shopping. Thought I got some good ones and they suck! Still have no clue why someone would even want a D, DD, and on by CHOICE! (you know, implants, etc!) Great post BTW! Hehe...picturing you fillin' them up in the morning with the foam.

8:07 PM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

Geez, Bezzie, I have to go bra shopping this week, too. I'm getting nervous, though, cause I really need some new ones but I've already looked a few times and I haven't seen my cup size. Not sure what I'm supposed to do if I can't find the bras I need at the BX....

Oh...and having sex with the bra on? Advisable while breastfeeding.

11:48 PM  
OpenID pyewacketsid said...

I got new bras for the first time in years at Lane Bryant last month. Foam padding everywhere, in the big sizes. It was like looking at a wall of bicycle helmets. Tandem bike helmets, I suppose.

I tried one on, just to see why they're so popular. Totally ridiculous-looking, and HOT! Sweet Ceiling Cat, how can anyone wear those in Florida?

I found 2 different styles that support my 42DDs without underwire though, so I was a happy camper. I eschewed underwire when I started my career at a lactator, and I just can't make myself go back. Glorious freedom from the wire!

7:30 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Makes me glad my bra size is closer to the beginning of the alphabet ;).

I was watching that show Frontier House on PBS, and thinking that lifestyle wouldn't be so bad ... except for the clothes. Given your experience buying a bra, I'm not so sure that we have it so much better.

I say, do like our Mamas in the 60's and just burn them ... oh, wait, all that foam would create some serious toxic fumes. Probably we shouldn't burn the bras. Maybe we could just repurpose them all into ... padded bike pants??

7:58 AM  
Blogger buttercup said...

I do wear the slightly padded bras, but not because of the headlight problem. Bras without padding can be a tad see through and if I wear a white T or other shirt, you can see the nipular area. The padding prevents that.

I get my bras at LB too. But a couple times a year they have a Buy 2 get 2 free sale, which brings them down to about 13 bucks each. Much more reasonable.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Oh man, the bra shopping.

I hate it too. I'm SO with you. No padding, and wtf is up with that being 99% of the bra offerings?

How about now that the girls are seem to have morphed into different creatures now I'm growing a cub? Bigger, weirder, different. Hmmm. I've had to go 2 sizes up already, and this is no baby yet.

Put me on the "who cares if I have high beams" list too. Really, I could care less. That padding drives me nuts.

Target has basic Hanes cotton ones that aren't bad and the Motherhood Maternity place had some for $11 that were fine too, no pads.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Macoco said...

Oh don't even get me started on bra shopping! Thankfully I have found the one bra that fits and keeps the ladies in their place and that is the ONLY bra I buy. It sounds like it would be considered "vintage" and perhaps also "old ladyish." Oh well. So frustrating trying to find a good bra!

4:17 PM  
Anonymous birdie said...

Alright, I'll admit to owning 2 of those padded bras. One was just super cute, blue and green plaid. I debated for a long time on whether or not to buy it. I am weak. The other is black and converts to a strapless, which is really helpful when what you're wearing calls for no straps. They are both push-up bras, too. And when you're a 32A (on a good day, mind you) it gives some good shape that I enjoy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my small boobs. Just the thought of being anywhere near a C or, oh good lord, a D cup makes me shudder. I sleep on my stomach and read laying down with the book on rested on my stomach. It's wonderful! But I do enjoy these bras.
Oh, and I've never paid more than $18 for one.

11:55 PM  
Blogger Ed said...

The bra can be a great weapon in a woman's arsenal.
Especially in the bedroom/ kitchen/ hallway/ car park.

My favourite pair of boobs is a 38DD set that may have to upgrade to a 40 DD.

I love boobies!

and T'S in particular

chin chin

6:48 PM  
Blogger Ed said...

got my sizes wrong and T will kill me if she ever reads this.

So I'm totally in the clear.

Still wrong about lots of stuff.

Still love boobies.


6:54 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I like the target ones too. Did you notice how hard it is to actually find a D cup bra!?! Rediculous. And why do anyone wearing D cups need anything extra?

8:32 AM  
OpenID bufanditas said...

I've learned to avoid the fustrations of bra shopping. Now I only buy them online and only when they are reasonably priced. So far so good.

7:14 AM  
Blogger Magatha said...

I hear you loud and clear.
What D cup needs padding? That foam is a killer in 110 degrees too. It ends up as a soggy sweat bag, perhaps shrinking those boobs deliberately, so you need to go buy another padded bra! Ah a conspiracy! If I find a style that is suitable, they will discontinue it, guaranteed.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Rosi G. said...

I don't know WHY D bras come padded. If we're buying that size we certainly don't need the extra, TYVFM!

Obama's mother's brother is a Counsel here at The Firm. He supports Hilary. LOL

9:50 AM  

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