Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Are You There God? It's Me, Bezzie...

So things at work have been, um, tense to say the least.

And sadly because work's been consuming me, I haven't many non-work things to blog about.

So instead of focusing on the negative henpeckapalooza I could devote thousands of posts to, I'll relate this funny story to you.

Or at least I thought it was funny. Perhaps I'm just a little fried from working so much that it seems hysterical.

Every year Big Boss sends Harry & David gift baskets to three people: the legal secretaries at his Uncle's law firm, the priest who runs the prep school he's on the board of trustees for and his priests at his home parish.

And because, I, lovable, not so furry Bezzie, work for Big Boss, he usually hands over his credit card to me with his choices circled in the latest Harry & David catalogue and I phone in his order.
Last year was a royal clusterfuck because they screwed up the name of the main priest at his parish.

The priest's name is Liam, but the rep I placed the order spelled it "Leeyam." And apparently by the time the confirmation email came with the order spelled out, it was too late for them to change it or some malarkey when we called back.

Thus, this year I was extra careful in ordering the three fruit baskets.

First I ordered the Legal Secretaries' basket.

Easy peasy. My rep, Shanna (not her real name), aced my instructions for the type of basket I wanted and the note.

Second up was the basket for Father Robert Jones of the prep school.

I spelled out the padre's name for her, had her repeat it back to me and then gave her the message to put on his basket:

"Dear Father Bob--Merry Christmas! Love, Big Boss and Big Boss Wifey"

Shanna recited back the message to me dutifully.

Finally with the third basket, we hit a bit of a stumbling block. This is what I was afraid of because this was the basket for Father "Leeyam."

Father Liam is the head priest at the Immaculate Conception church.

When I read her the address, I slowly said:

"Immaculate Conception Church, 123 Jesus Lane, Bossville, New Jersey"

But she kept stumbling over the word "conception."

So I carefully spelled it for her..."C as in cat, O as in Oscar, N as in Nancy..."

To which she replied "Oh! Immaculate Confection Church?"

Ok, so I spent half my childhood being raised Catholic, but is it really hard to understand what the Immaculate Conception is?

I mean I understand that I didn't clarify it by calling it the Mary-Got-Conveniently-Knocked-Up-Sans-Coitus Church sorry, I stand corrected (I toldja we cut and ran half way through my childhood from the church!!)...

But my error proves my point. Even though I'm wrong about who the Immaculate Conception was about, I still know the name---but Immaculate Confection? Really???

Although, if we had attended a church called the Immaculate Confection growing up, I might still be Catholic....

I'll bet the hosts at communion are Necco wafers at the Immaculate Confection church.

Anyway, Shanna finally got the order right AND she spelled Father LIAM's name back to me twice so I felt confident she got it.

I completed the order, hung up, and five minutes later I got the email confirmation of the order that reiterated what Big Boss had me order, where to send it, and the gift messages.

I skipped over the other orders and quickly scanned to the order to Father Liam at the Immaculate Conception church.

And it was RIGHT! Hooray! Irish priest's name nailed and no extra sweetness to the church name!

But then something caught my eye--the order to Father Bob at the prep school:

Father Robery Jones
c/o Newark Prep School
123 Allegedlyscary Street
Newark, NJ

Gift Message: Dear Father God--Merry Christmas!

After spending half an hour on the phone with Shanna, the idiot sales rep for Harry & David, I could only laugh that she a) accused a priest of robbery, and b) sent the fruit basket to Father God instead of Father Bob in one fell swoop.

Poor Father Bob. I know he's a humble servant of God, but to have to give up his fruit basket to the big man too?


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Blogger Ellie said...

Ohmygod I just snorted my milk at the Necco wafers! Sacramental wine replaced with hot chocolate! I'm so changing parishes ;-)

8:30 PM  
Anonymous marymac said...

The Feast of The Immaculate Confection would be SO MUCH FUN. :)

8:43 PM  
Blogger janna said...

Hee hee! Immaculate Confection!

And I'm so sorry about your work issues. I know what that's like...

9:23 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Holy cow! I'm so just about to wet my pants from laughing so hard. Father God. Oh, jeez!

Maybe she's, like, Hindu or something. Good grief!

I wonder if the Immaculate Confection church is anywhere near the Gingerbread House? If you find either of them, let me know. It'd be a fun field trip. I'll bring the milk :).

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

Oh dear! I HATE ordering things over the phone because of things like that.

At least Father God at the church makes a kind of sense, right? Right?!

10:56 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

I have no words! But the laughing was very much needed,,,even at the hour that I type this!

Trust me,,, my week has been a million times worse than yours,,, and it all started last Friday.

I shall prevail!

12:21 AM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Oh and to what Ellie said....

I have chocolate wine!

I might just drink it this week too!

12:22 AM  
Blogger IrishgirlieKnits said...

Amen!! Cracked me up! This Catholic girl sooooooo wants hot chocolate at church :)

Hang in there at work!

12:54 AM  
Anonymous SiressYorkie said...

I would TOTALLY attend a church that had Necco wafers as the Holy Host. It would make salvation (or would that be salivation?) a lot more fun!

Now whenever I see a church saying "Immaculate Conception", I'm going to think, "Immaculate Confection"...

Ruined me forever, you have...

2:36 AM  
Blogger Crafty Christina said...

Hahahahaha! I spilled coffee reading that!

7:25 AM  
Blogger T. Budnik said...

Mmmm....immaculate confections....I have those ALL the time. Angels bring me M&Ms all the time.

7:33 AM  
Blogger knottygnome said...

mmm. i picture the Immaculate Confection Church to be like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. can i worship there?

can you email the order or place it online? that's what i'd try to do next time.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! I am still recovering!! And it hurts to laugh!!

I guess that you get a couple extra "God Bar"s for that work!!

Love, Mom

10:40 AM  
Blogger Ina said...

Oh my, new reasons for making a list and checking it twice.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Mary Beth said...

Um, I hate to tell you this, but Mary getting knocked up without coitus is the Virgin Birth. The Immaculate Conception refers to the conception of Mary herself (by Mary's parents) without the taint of original sin. Don't let the padre hear you confuse those two terms.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Very funny post, indeed!

4:15 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

LOL, too funny!!! "Immaculate Confection?! I want to go to that church, too, ha, ha! And "Dear Father God"? Good Lord (pun not intended)!

Can you just order online next time? Might be easier!

10:17 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

"Although, if we had attended a church called the Immaculate Confection growing up, I might still be Catholic...."

This killed me! Why can't order the stuff online? Then any mistakes in the address are your own.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Carol said...

Immaculate confection heh. Maybe since it was gift baskets she had cookies on the brain?

1:48 PM  
Blogger DPUTiger said...

Have I ever told you the story of the last credit card I changed before moving from Los Angeles back to Pittsburgh? Good times with stoopid phone customer service people.

I like your story. It's funny.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Rosi G. said...

Heffa!! You KNOW it's inappropriate to bust out laughing in a quiet ass lawfirm!! TOO FUNNY! I had to share with a coworker.

11:04 AM  

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