When Egg Meets Sperm...
...they don't tell you that one ordinary sunny, Tuesday you'll go to lunch (something you hardly ever do because well...that's a separate post.
...and it will be the one day you go to lunch without your cell phone because when you went to grab it, you noticed the battery was about to die, so you figure "eh, what the hell, I'll just plug it in and leave it."
...and when you're coming back from lunch, your frantic coworker S will damn near tackle you in the parking lot and breathlessly exclaim--"It's your son's school nurse on the phone--she said it was an emergency!"
...and you run upstairs to your desk, you call back the school and you wade through the world's LONGEST phone menu to finally get to the nurse's extension (the last one they list on the phone menu, by the way).
..and she tells you that she thinks your Chunky has broken his arm.
...and so you leave the office faster than when it was shaking during the Great Overkill Earthquake of 2011.
...and you sit in your car for effing 15 minutes while the slow-ass parking attendants take for-ever to move the five cars blocking you in.
...and then you get stuck behind every slow-ass driver in New Jersey who have just happened to converge on your route from work to Chunky's school at this exact moment.
...and you happen to hit every GD stoplight possible on your way there.
...and finally your husband calls you--he's beat you to the school and wants to know what to do next, so you tell him to meet you at the hospital ER.
...and when you get to the ER there is absolutely NO parking there and you end up parking on a road called "Newark Avenue" which you later find out is pretty notorious for car-break-ins (which thankfully didn't happen to you).
...and so you gently ease your Chunky out of his dad's car and walk him into the ER wherein you are right behind the poor lady about to vomit up her lungs, two kidneys, gallbladder and possibly her spleen all in one fell swoop.
...and you sit there for an hour and a half, of which luckily only an hour you have to listen to Ms. Wretched Retching retch until they take her back.
...and you sit in the ER for approximately six hours, while you don't know what's going to happen to your kid--the tell you they might have to operate on his shattered elbow*, but they can't do it at the hospital you're in, they're probably going to have to transport him to a hospital that will. Oh and can you please just empty your pockets and hand over your valuables now? Because this is going to be expensive.
...and then, as your reward for sitting there being bored out of your gourd with a kid in pain (which they only gave him medication for about 2/3rds of the way into), you are told that the pediatric orthopedist has seen his xrays and he recommends you go home--but come see him the next morning.
..and you're sprung!
...and so now you have an in-pain elementary schooler and a cranky hungry toddler and dinner to figure out and a prescription to fill.
...and so you split the difference with your husband--he takes gimpy-arm and gets dinner, and you take crankypants and get the prescription. Which seems to take forever to fill...ooof.
...and the next day you get in to see the pediatric orthopedist who takes all the nightmares that the ER planted in your head and smashes them to pieces--day surgery! cast for 3 to 4 weeks! Hooray!
...and now you're on the eve of your little boy's surgery, and even though it's day surgery and you know he'll do fine, you don't know if it's just the probable third boy parasitically feeding off of you that's making you misty about it, or just plain old being a mom, you still worry.
I'll let you know how it goes! The great Elbow Reconstruction is tomorrow at 9:15 a.m.!
*That he got playing tag and tripping on a New Jersey 80% cement playground.